An excerpt from my script review for The Lost Boys (1987) which will be available 03/09/26:
4.) Dialogue and Description
So…my biggest complaint with the script…
Page 14:
A loud rock group performs.
Talk about underselling it!!!
This is arguably the most memorable scene in the entire film, and it has nothing to do with the plot, and all you’re going to say is “a loud rock group performs” and then include that the crowd is excited?
I Still Believe lived rent free in this family’s head all weekend and only TWO of us watched it!
Now, I’m not one for citing specific songs or pop culture references in scripts, primarily specs, but you could have dressed this up a bit.
Michael and Sam walk up to the bandstand and are about to be blown away. The rock group performing there is something they, or the audience, has never experienced before.
Or taking a page from Max Landis’s description style…
The band performing on stage will be intense. Trust me, it’ll be an 80s rock scene unlike anything you’ve ever witnessed before…and it will be completely unrelated to the plot, but you’ll thank us for it.
I just felt Tim Cappello deserved a bit more than “a rock group performs” for what he accomplishes in terms of 80s pop culture.
(Speaking of which, here’s a bit more of the background on how he was selected by Joel Schumacher.)
Other than that, there’s a few don’ts in terms of both the description and dialogue.
Finishing out the description, it runs long in a few too many places.
Similar to page 17, readers don’t need (or want) giant walls of text bombarding their eyeballs.
Trim it down as much as you can, only including what’s absolutely necessary to your plot (unless it involves a shirtless, greased up saxophone player, then feel free to include that).
Once you’ve gotten only the essentials, figure out what belongs grouped together in single visuals.
Other than that, the vampire dialogue was a bit on the annoying side.
The best example of this comes from page 46, where David and crew are taking Michael out onto the train trestle.
Michael asks where they’re going, to which the Lost Boys go around in a group with this “who wants to know” gag that just falls flat.
A lot of their shit comes off like that, even Keifer, who’s cool as fuck because it’s fucking Jack Bauer. Wish their mind games and interactions with Michael came off a bit more…edgy.
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