Part 1: Script Review
Hi all.
Happy Halloween!!!
Another one in the books, and if you’re reading this, it means the Capn’s favorite time of year is about to come to a close.
For this year’s Double Feature we chose…
PUMPKINHEAD!
1.) Marketability of the Idea
Here’s the logline from IMDB:
After a tragic accident, a man conjures up a towering, vengeful demon called Pumpkinhead to destroy a group of unsuspecting teenagers.
First thing to check off the list for a late 80s horror…teenagers!
Here’s the logline from Gemini, which I think does a little better job explaining things:
After a group of dirt-biking teenagers accidentally kills his young son, a grieving father consults a backwoods witch to summon a towering, relentless vengeance demon to hunt them down.
The one thing this one alludes to is that the teenagers may deserve said vengeance, which is missing from the original logline.
What are some of the other things to check off?
It also tells us who was involved in the tragic accident and why the father’s going to these lengths to get revenge.
Is this absolutely required in a horror movie? No, but a grieving father is more relatable than just an old man conjuring a vengeful demon.
And lastly, we’re told what is hunting them…a monster out for vengeance that will not stop until that is task is accomplished.
I didn’t have too many note past that, but this is a story that may not work exactly as is today, but the initial premise is still worth exploring.
For those of you not in our members section, horror is one of the most forgiving and lucrative genres you could write a spec in, so it’s best to check out these older scripts to mine for ideas that might cross your mind as you study them.
(Not to mention newer ones like Obsession or Backrooms.)
2.) Plot Stability
The script is 94 pages, which is great for a horror.
You want your story to be nice and tight, particularly as an undiscovered writer.
As I read, my main issue once we’re past the opening, is that it takes until page 55 for Pumpkinhead to actually show up.
This felt delayed, and only leaves you 39 pages (if my math is correct) of “fun and games” of this demon hunting down and slaughtering the teens.
Now, and I don’t want to step too much on the Capn’s toes here, but I did watch the film once I was finished reading to see how things turned out.
*SIDENOTE* For those of you who don’t know, there’s two things to know about yours truly…
First, I’m a big baby when it comes to horror, so I watched this one in the middle of the afternoon. Zero issues being afraid that way.
Second, I’m not so much cheap as I don’t care for renting a film that came out almost forty years ago (again, check the math there), but luckily this one was on Amazon Prime so away I went.
Now, where I don’t want to step on his toes too much is that the film made some better choices that sped things along.
The first two are pretty important…
In the script, we have a scene of the teens in this truck stop diner, and we get some exposition on relationships.
This was information easily ascertained from later scenes, and aside from giving us a shot of Kim, the “babe” girlfriend in the group, walking from the ladies room in tight jeans, a tight t-shirt, and black heels, we don’t need it.
The second scene, and the film takes a much more logical approach, is the group just stops at the fruit stand before heading to the cabin.
Why this works is it eliminates another pointless scene with the teens displaying their hierarchy and gets us to the fruit stand earlier which means the tragic accident can happen sooner in terms of storytelling.
(Not to mention Joel and Steve would know there’s nothing to eat or drink in their aunt’s remote vacation cabin.)
Okay, so the whole idea of Pumpkinhead…
We mentioned he’s a demon out for revenge, but what’s cool here is that he’s kind of an urban legend in the vein of folks that live in or around the remote parts of say the Appalachian Trail.
Hill people, or “holler folk” as they’re called around here, but not in any derogatory or evil way, just in a superstitious “keep to themselves” kind of way.
That works, especially because, per the legend, you can’t deter Pumpkinhead in any way while he’s out doing his dirty business, so it explains away why neighbors don’t help neighbors, out of fear and to protect their own families.
I’m sure the Cap’n will cover all the kills and thrills, so we’ll leave it there for now, since most of what was in the script once PH shows up was in the film.
3.) Quality of Characters
Last time I step on your toes, Cap’n, I promise!
So in the script, the only thing that’s really described about Pumpkinhead is he’s tall, has long sharp talons, and a head kind of like a pumpkin.
Okay…so why does the film version look like a cheap knockoff of a xenomorph from Alien?
Was it a lame marketing attempt to try and capitalize on the previous franchise’s success?
That brings us to…
Ed Harley…played by Lance Henriksen.
His face looked really familiar, and at first I thought it was Peter Fonda, because adult Ed gave me some of the same vibes as Burnett Stone the Thomas and the Magic Railroad film.
Lance Henriksen and Peter Fonda are not the same person, but do you know Henriksen’s previous role?
Aliens. Oh and Alien vs. Predator which came sometime later.
Not doing yourselves any differentiation favors there…
Other than that, the characters all work, I just felt kind of mad about Pumpkinhead’s look, and I don’t even have any skin in the game in regards to the Alien franchise.
Now the teens…
Definitely meat for this Pumpkinheaded grinder!
Joel’s an asshole…even before he runs over a kid and flees the scene.
Kim, his “gorgeous” girlfriend enables him.
As does Steve, Joel’s younger brother, who idolizes him for no reason that ever becomes apparent because Joel is pretty much a dick to everyone and it only gets worse after the accident.
(OH…sidenote on Joel, and this is from the film, but really doesn’t take anything away. Joel is played by John D’Aquino and I was trying to figure out how I knew him…He’s Todd Gack from an episode of Seinfeld where he makes losing bets with women so he can go on a date with them.)
Okay, back to it…then Chris and Tracy who are being kind of set up for the weekend by Maggie (Steve’s girlfriend and hands down the most forgettable character).
And all the Hill Folk, plus the Old Woman who’s like 90 years old but super tall and strong…they all work.
One note I wanted to close with is mentioning the connection between Ed and Pumpkinhead…
Since Ed is the one seeking “justice” he sees and experiences all the kills that Pumpkinhead unleashes.
This really worked, and adds stakes to why Ed tries to stop the demon and even how he and a few of the teens eventually do it.
4.) Dialogue and Description
I didn’t have much here.
The description wasn’t long, which is good, but there were some choices made that we’ll mention in the next section.
On dialogue, overall it wasn’t bad, just in one spot I got really nervous around page 11.
The teens are in the diner and are having conversations over one another, so we’re treated to almost a page of side-by-side dialogue.
I got through it here, but what made me worry was the fact that this type of technique is often overdone.
Luckily this was the single use, and the rest of the script was normal.
The one other note I had for dialogue was the Pumpkinhead nursery rhyme on page 29.
It was pretty long, and although the scene works in the film, for a modern day spec, it’s completely fine to give us a few of the first lines, then in the description mention something about the kids continue to taunt their brother with it.
(Since most of it isn’t heard anyway, the overall goal is to establish the legend of our monster via kids teasing a sibling for being bad.)
5.) Format
Okay, 94 pages was bang on.
The description issue I wanted to discuss was the idea of scene headings.
If you read just the intro sequence, which takes place during Ed’s childhood, we bounce inside and outside of the cabin a lot.
Now, in spots this script employs the idea of “mini slugs” which just capitalize the location in description, but more often than not, we get back and forth scene headings that lead to nauseating reading.
For a shooting script? Sure, write what you’re told, but for a spec try to keep things clean and organized especially if you’re jumping back and forth from the same two locations.
CABIN LIVING ROOM
<insert action here>
CABIN PUMPKIN PATCH
<insert more action here>
CABIN BEDROOM
<more action that creates tension>
This allows your reader to easily follow what’s happening, focusing on your story without interrupting the tension you’re trying to build.
6.) What I liked…
The premise.
7.) What needs work…
Personally, and it involves the film, creating a more original look for something named Pumpkinhead. I didn’t need the Headless Horseman, but c’mon…Rating: If you’re looking for classic horror films to learn from, this one is a good pick.
Want EARLY access to our videos, uploads, and movie/script reviews? Members get them FIRST! Follow this link to our Discussion Forum.
