An excerpt from Reals’ script review for Animal House II by Michael, Matty & Andrew B. Simmons (Unproduced) which will be available 06/21/18:
What Needs Work
Pg. 2 – I’m not sure they are going this route, but the Rivalry With Younger Versions of Themselves thing is (now) kind of played out. To be fair, this was written in ‘82, so I won’t hold it against the script too much.
Pg. 6 – I don’t like the picking the exact name of a song to use. Unless you own the rights or know the band, it probably isn’t a good idea. In this case, they probably could do whatever they wanted, but we can’t, so be careful!
Pg. 7 – For Bubba (and all of our characters) we don’t need to know exactly what they are wearing. Just saying “He is dressed in full cowboy get-up” or “Bubba, dressed like John Wayne…” would be enough.
Pg. 9 – This was written at a different time, but holy cow the paragraphs of text are enough to make me pass out.
Pg. 10 – We’ve also introduced A LOT of characters back-to-back and I am having trouble keeping them all straight.
Pg. 18 – It was written at a different time, but even knowing that, it is still hard to read some parts. For example —
VANDERSLAAG
Great! I’m looking forward to watching that colored boy everybody’s talking about.
Pg. 25 — … Is… is Otter trying to make a case for pedophilia? I mean, he is talking about checking out a naked 16 year old… and all of the other guys seem to be on board…
Pg. 27 – We are now on page 27 and nothing has really happened and I don’t really care about our (many) characters. This is not good, especially for a comedy that needs to catch attention early and not drag.
Pg. 31 – I also don’t like the overuse of parentheses.
Pg. 39 – There are way too many CUT TO’s. We don’t need this every single time you change locations or shift focus, use it sparingly.
Pg. 44 – I think I figured out my problem with this script – it is unfocused, with no clear plot or story. It really feels like a bunch of loosely connected scenes/gags about college and college reunions.
Pg. 51 – Having Greek Wars for a cash money prize is an interesting concept, but really just falls flat because it comes so late in the story.
Pg. 76 – 77 – The KKK gag here… doesn’t work at best and is extremely offensive at worst.
PG. 84 – This is solved waaayyy too quickly. Katy should think that Boon slept with Gracie and that should cause conflict for the couple… however, the script is already dragging as is, so I should be grateful that they don’t expand on this too much.
Pg. 92 – Also, the TRANSITION saying TIME PASSAGE doesn’t work. Do something like:
TIME CUT TO:
LATER
Or
CUT TO:
WEEKS LATER
Pg. 117 – The return of Bubba is literally Deus-Ex-Machina and expected. It would be nice if they found a way to win without him or if he came back earlier and then got injured so our heroes had to band together to win another way.
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