An excerpt from my script review for Willy’s Wonderland which will be available 02/15/21:
4.) Dialogue and Description
The teenage banter was just so painful.
It’s probably meant to be, to show how naïve they are that they’d want to try and save the Janitor, but it went above that to this annoying level.
(Think the President’s daughter in Escape from LA kind of annoying.)
They come off more like how 13 year olds would act and talk instead of being in their 18 to 20s.
Page 30:
AARON
In there? With those THINGS? Are
you fucking high? Then he’ll
die, we’ll die, everybody dies.
BOB
If he doesn’t wanna be rescued
that’s his choice.
LIV
We’re the ones who don’t have a
choice. This is a moral
imperative. He obviously doesn’t
understand the danger he’s in.
He’s alive in there for who
knows how much longer. We have
to try and save him while we
can. Otherwise we have no moral
high ground over what we’re
fighting against.
CHRIS
She’s right.
Anytime this group just stood around and talked I wanted to gouge my eyes out.
In fact, Willy and crew really did us a favor.
Page 40:
CHRIS
She’s alive! And she’s the
leader of this whole operation!
This whole thing is her plan.
BOB
Yeah, and seems to me because of
that she should either live by
it or die by it.
CHRIS
How dare you! If it wasn’t for
Liv these killings would never
stop.
On top of these exchanges just being excruciatingly horrible, it doesn’t really make any sense.
If they know this place is evil and the killings have been going on for a while, why the sudden morality argument?
(Aside from the writer needing it to be so because…plot.)
Remember, I knew what kind of story this was going to be and I was completely fine with that.
What I’m not okay with is lazy writing that an audience will find off-putting onscreen.
Just because it’s a forgiving genre doesn’t mean you’re aiming to be forgiven.
The description worked, and for the most part was well done.
It had a gory and brutal tone that should translate to appreciation from horror fans.
Early on I knew I’d be in good hands based on the following line…
Page 2:
It’s a Firestone funeral as ALL FOUR OF THE JEEP’S TIRES
BLOW OUT IN A SINGLE INSTANT.
Using images like “a Firestone funeral” is creative and unique. Most readers will appreciate that, so long as it’s not overdone.
Also, on page 4 the Willy’s Wonderland sign is mentioned, being in disrepair making Willy look almost evil.
Nice foreshadowing there.
By far my favorite scene though, that created a creepy tension was the “hide and seek” moment with Beary the Bear and the Janitor on page 25.
It’s weird, dirty, and we’re hoping the Janitor doesn’t get caught off guard.
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