One look at my worst list and you might confuse it for just about everyone’s best list. I really tried to like these films that others were raving about, I really did. But I just couldn’t stomach them.
My tolerance for arthouse has also gotten pretty thin over the years, to where now unless Nic Cage crushes a man’s head with his bare hands, I’m going to have to give it a pass.
I’ve saw a lot of shitty films in 2018, so narrowing it down to only ten has been hard. One thing that helped was self-implementing a few ground rules.
One qualifier this year is if I was able even to finish the film. Films so bad that I couldn’t finish it unfortunately have to remain off the official list. There’s one in particular that is my number one pick, but I was unable to get past the first 20 minute mark. I could force myself to try and finish it, but I don’t know if I have that kind of willpower.
Another disqualifier is if I fell asleep through it. It basically falls under my “finished watching it” rule. Falling asleep 20 minutes in and waking up with only 15 minutes left shouldn’t count either. Regrettably, that means Slender Man falls under that category. I did go back and try watching some parts of it, but why bother when the film is fucking Slender Man.
Like my best list, I will start things off with a couple of dishonorable mentions. These are films that were bad, but not enough to make the cut. And trust me, these are some real stinkers.
But before I get to those, I want to list a few films that I was hyped to see but was let me down in a major way. So, first here are the most disappointing films of 2018.
MOST DISAPPOINTING FILMS OF 2018
An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn – It isn’t a secret at how big of a fan I am of The Greasy Strangler. Since that film, I’ve been eagerly awaiting what would come next. And what came next was this boring, unfunny crap. It was so lame, with zero over the top characteristics that made Greasy Strangler so entertaining.
Sorry to Bother You – I kept hearing how great this film was, which got me interested to finally see it. Then the film just got stupid. It was like a rejected pilot spinoff episode of Man Seeking Woman.
Sicario: Day of the Soldado – I don’t know what the hell happened here. I was so set for this film. Them going after the cartel, making them turn against each other, this was looking to be pretty fun, then about midway into it, they abandon that plot to do something else. Then the film just ends on a whimper. Why was this even made? Nothing happens, all this cool shit is setup, the terrorists, the cartels, but it never goes anywhere. Everything just falls flat or is abandoned to start something else. This movie is a damn mess. I blame Yellowstone for this disaster. Taylor Sheridan has been going downhill since that series. This movie had so much potential, I have no idea what went wrong. It just seems like they didn’t know where it was going, so they kept writing in hopes of eventually finding an outcome. But apparently they never found it, so the movie just ends.
The First Purge – Seemed rushed and cheap. The CGI gore effects were stock blood splats you can use in After Effects.
The Cloverfield Paradox – I think I liked this more than a lot of other people, but still, it wasn’t good. It seemed exactly like what it was, a random script repurposed to try and fit into the Cloverfield universe.
Under the Silver Lake – I kind of get what they were going for… kind of. A noir detective story told through the point of view of a paranoid schizophrenic. But the plot was just too incoherent and random that I couldn’t stand this movie.
Widows – Too many characters with too much going on. Not to mention we get maybe 10 seconds of meeting the robbery crew. I’m also not completely sure who I was meant to root for. Viola Davis is so cold and unlikable…
Hold the Dark – I’m a pretty big fan of this director, so I was really looking forward to this one. The main issue with this film is the fact that you have no idea what any of the character’s motivations are. You have no idea why a character is doing this, or did that, or is now doing this… it’s a seriously messy film that is borderline kind of terrible.
Venom – Should have been rated R and the CGI at times was laughably bad.
The Meg – Pandered to the Chinese market so much that by the end it seemed like one of their really bad comedy movies.
Ghost Stories – The stories all just up and end with no conclusion. Not to mention you know nothing consequential was going to happen, since the ones telling the stories are the ones in it. So clearly they made it out ok. But that has nothing over how cliché and terrible the ending was.
Revenge – Just kind of generic, if you’ve seen one rape revenge film, then you’ve seen them all. Doesn’t give you anything new or original. Just more of the same ol’ same ol’.
The Predator – I actually enjoyed this a lot more than I thought I would. I read the script pretty early on and I guess I liked it. I thought it might make for an interesting inclusion into the series. Unfortunately, some major changes were made, changes that didn’t work. And what was so frustrating was seeing how this could have been so much better. Why not make Olivia Munn’s character the daughter of Arnold and the lady he rescued in the first film? Is it because she’s Mexican and not Asian? Semantics! Or I don’t know, just don’t cast Olivia Munn. Making that character connected to Dutch in some way would at least give her character a reason to be in this. And the ending, oh boy what a shitty ending this film has. Predator suit? What? The script ends with Dutch coming back. Here it basically the ends like Independence Day 2 or Beyond Skyline, the sequel to Skyline that no one was asking for.
Black Panther – Seemed rushed, the CGI was spotty, the jokes were very kiddy and didn’t work at all. The outfits where hilariously bad, along with a few other choices the film makes as well. I didn’t really understand Black Panther’s powers or what his suit did. It was also too long to get to this movie as this should come out right after Civil War released, but was like the third film after it to come out.
And now for the films that are bad, but maybe not bad enough to make the official list. Mixed in are also films that are bad but I couldn’t finish or fell asleep through. But they are still terrible movies that should be avoided at all costs.
Thoroughbreds – I’m not sure how I stayed awake through this. It’s pretty boring filled with horrible characters.
Incredibles 2 – This one a faded in and out of. I didn’t care for the original and this one is even worse. Boring and predictable.
Escape Plan 2: Hades – Stallone’s first venture into the straight to video market. Since this film was released, a few other VOD films of his have been released and it’s hard to say which is worse.
You Were Never Really Here – Debated if I should put this on the official list or not. I hated this film. The plot is incoherent and muddled. You have no idea what is going on until a character whispers the whole plot to you as he is dying. If you missed what he was saying, like I did, you aren’t going to know what the fuck is going on. If that wasn’t bad enough, all the violence, maybe the only thing that might have saved it for me is all off camera. You never see him do anything.
Overboard – Oddly enough I wasn’t hating the first few minutes of this but then by the 30 minute mark, you’ve basically seen all this film has to offer and it isn’t good. It’s dreadfully unfunny and predictable. Even for a remake.
Ocean’s 8 – I hated this movie. It’s basically a remake of the first film but with ladies. And we all know how well that has worked out in the past. The plot or heist I should say, was just so damn boring and lame. I checked out early with this, not caring whatsoever if or how they got away with it.
The Other Side of the Wind – This was my pick for worst film I saw in 2018, but I felt I couldn’t put it on the official list as I couldn’t finish it. Hell, I couldn’t make it past the 20 minute mark. There was a reason this film went unfinished for 30+ years. He filmed over 300 hours, you’d think there would be at least something salvageable here. The editing is some of the worst I have ever had the displeasure of sitting through. Scenes were incomplete and finished using badly done overdubs. Which seemed unnecessary since it isn’t like there was any plot or dialogue worth hearing. At least not in that first 20 minutes I suffered through. It is best to forget this was ever made and put it back on the shelf to collect dust.
Tully – Fuck this stupid twist ending. Fuck a majority of this garbage film. The only thing I liked was they played a Girl Band song during the nightclub scene.
Peppermint – Why was this film called Peppermint anyway? Really terrible movie.
Slender Man – The film that was number one on just about everyone’s worst lists. This film was cut to hell, as kill scenes are missing, leaving character to just randomly vanish from the film without an explanation.
Show Dogs – I don’t know, do I really need to say anything about this? It’s about an undercover dog trying to infiltrate a dog beauty pageant, so he can uncover an endangered animal smuggling ring.
Kin – Maybe one of the worst most batshit stupid endings I have ever seen. Everything leading up it was pretty boring.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom – I enjoyed the bits on the island, then they get off the island and it becomes a completely different film. It managed to become even dumber if that was even possible.
To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before – The most generic by the numbers teen romantic comedy I’ve ever seen. This thing is so predictable, that watching it will make you think you developed psychic powers. You can easily guess every single thing that is going to happen from beginning to end because it does every generic teen romantic comedy cliché. It was so cliché, that at one point I thought maybe it was doing it on purpose. But no, it was just that poorly written. The fact this got a sequel isn’t surprising, but it does mean that I will most likely have to watch it and review it. And that is unforgivable.
Sierra Burgess Is a Loser – Just creepy. But also extremely generic and predictable.
The Darkest Minds – YA book trying to cash in on the superhero trend. Goes without saying it’s pretty terrible, even having the balls to set up future sequels. Trust me, there’s no part 2 coming for this piece of shit.
Okay, time for the official worst list.
WORST FILMS OF 2018
10. The Favourite – I knew going into this that I most likely wouldn’t like it. This director isn’t my favorite, no pun intended. His last film The Killing of a Sacred Deer I believe popped up on my worst list in 2017 with The Lobster showing up in 2015. If they didn’t they really should have, as I hated both films. The only film of his I could stomach was Dogtooth. Everything after that, I can barely sit through. The Favourite is no better, taking a less arthouse approach this time, but still missing the mark of it being entertaining. This film suffers from one major issue. Every character in this film is complete and total pieces of shit. I didn’t care who the hell won the Queen’s favor by the end, as both Emma Stone and Rachel Weisz are horrible C words. But then again, the Queen is also human garbage, so… I’m shocked people actually consider this a comedy. The film bored me to tears since I wasn’t invested in the story and the characters drove me up the wall with annoyance. Not to mention the fisheye lens effect that this movie is filmed at stood out like a wart on a mud covered dick. I hated every second of this movie.
9. Roma – I hesitate even calling this a movie, as there’s no story, no characters, nothing. At one point we’re just sitting there, watching a character watch another movie. And it isn’t for a few seconds either, it’s a good amount of time we are just sitting there, watching someone else watch what I’m guessing is a much better film. And this isn’t even the only time it happens either. As before this, we are treated to a very important scene of the family watching a shitty tv show and the maids get them food and drink. That’s the whole scene. I found this “movie” to be slow, meandering, pointless… There is slice of life and then there is forgetting the camera is running. The only thing this film has going for it is the cinematography. But they even fuck that up by the fact the only time the camera even moves is to give us another pan shot. The film even ends with a clichéd group family hug.
8. Suspiria – No one told me this was going to be a funny movie, you guys. This film is ridiculously funny but not in a good or intentional way. I was never a fan of the original, but since this film is basically doing its own thing, I thought maybe I’d like it more. I was wrong. From what I remember of the original, they were ballerinas, whereas here they are freeform interpretive dancers, which is fucking hilarious. Trying to take them seriously when they flail around like toddlers learning to walk had me in tears. There’s even a death by interpretive dance sequence that had me in stitches. And! At the end when heads are exploding, ladies are still in the background doing their stupid interpretive dancing. It’s so fucking stupid and hilarious. Aside from that however the film meanders and drags at its 2 and half hour runtime. There is no mystery to the plot, you know the school is full of evil witches from the start, even if you haven’t seen the original, hell, the film in the first few minutes spills the beans about what is going on. Spills the beans to Tilda Swinton playing an old man in super terrible old man makeup by the way. The whole time I kept thinking something was way off about this guy. Like they had a younger actor playing him, but nope it was Tilda Swinton for some strange fucking reason. And of course a film like this wouldn’t be complete without the obligatory dream sequences. Filmed like a student art film project because of course it is. Looking like deleted footage from the Ring video tape from The Ring franchise. This film is absolutely terrible, I can’t believe I was actually planning on seeing this in theaters.
7. Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich – I was really looking forward to seeing this. I was always a big Puppet Master fan and what brought this over the top was the fact they got S. Craig Zahler to write the script for it. But it became pretty clear pretty quickly that something was off. If I had to guess, I’d say they maybe used about 20% of S. Craig Zahler’s script. Or he completely half assed this while trying to get his latest film off the ground. Basically all this film was was a collection of gore kills with very little if not any kind of plot. The plot it did have wasn’t exactly all that interesting to begin with. And to top it all off, the film has one of the worst endings I’ve ever seen in my life.
6. Eighth Grade – This film makes Lady Bird look good. I have no idea what was wrong with the main character in this one. In lady bird, yeah she’s an unlikable disaster but in this it’s like they want you to think she’s just this awkward teen, but really she comes off more like she’s a bonafide psychopath. Or she’s at least suffering from a borderline personality disorder. I’m shocked there was even a screenplay as there’s zero plot. Movies like this and Lady Bird seem to be purposely lacking any story, so they can highlight how fucking awful their main characters can be. For a great example of pulling this off right, check out PEN15 on Hulu.
5. Mile 22 – Wow, this was bad. This was so damn bad. Where do I even start? How about that ending. The twist where this was all a revenge plot to send in a triple agent to kill off the overwatch strike team because they killed some teen spy at the beginning of the film. Awful. And! Didn’t make any damn sense. So the Chinese government is out to kill this cop turned traitor because we think he stole government secrets. But did they know he was a Russian spy? Is that why they were after him? Why not tell the US guys this instead of attacking their team? The plan was so he could get them all killed in action? But later he saves them, only so he could kill them later on a plane? Or did he need them to get him to the plane so to get him out of the country? But it seemed like the Chinese were working with our traitor guy, as they were gunning down the overwatch team and their HQ in the end. So why did they send in two assassins to kill him on the US base, disguised as doctors/nurses? To get them to trust him and move him? I don’t… I seem to be answering my own questions, yet I can’t believe the answers because they’re so damn stupid. Another issue I had was all the quirks the characters had. Marky Mark has this OCD rubber band snapping he does, lady from the walking dead swears so much she needs to get censored, traitor guy does this finger pressing thing, john Malkovich collects presidential bobbleheads… not every characters needs a quirk, guys. It isn’t an easy substitute for character development. All it did was annoy the fuck out of me. Not to mention Marky Mark has got to be playing the most unlikable character he’s ever played. That includes that role where he was a teen stalker. Another issue, the shakycam. Nothing is more out of fashion than the shakycam during fight and action sequences. And seeing as this movie is like 60% action sequence, it’s really hard at times to even know what is happening. Then add a convoluted plot to the mix and you got yourself one awful movie watching experience. The movie doesn’t even have a conclusion, after the twist, the film just ends. They sequel bait you, but no way is this thing getting a sequel. It felt like this film only had two acts and they stretched those two acts out for 90 minutes but forgot their third act. Truly one of the worst films of the year.
4. Hereditary – Another super unintentionally hilarious movie. Seeing Toni Collette zip around all over the place by the end was a real knee slapper. The fact you know that some scenes are meant to be super scary but really are some of the funniest things I’ve seen in a film is pretty telling. Little girl got her head knocked off. But it’s done so funny. Toni Collette though still wins for all the times we see her hanging or zipping around. By the end I had to pause it and rewind a few times because I was laughing so hard at how dumb it was getting and just how stupid the visuals were that I was seeing on screen. Aside from that the plot was incoherent and didn’t make a ton of sense if you stop and think about it.
3. The House That Jack Built – So horribly pretentious and so goddamn boring. I don’t really have more to say about it than that. What else can you say about a film with its head so far up its own ass?
2. Burning – This was a last minute addition as this film as so boring and pointless, it just needed to be on this list. It’s almost three hours long and most of that is spent not really doing much. This does slightly break my no films on the list which I fell asleep through, I mean, how could I not stay awake during the exciting jogging while looking at old greenhouses? I did rewind it can get back to what I missed. I mean, I need to see if he solved that mystery if there was a well in someone’s backyard or not. About 90 minutes in, this film presents a tiny bit of a mystery, but don’t get too invested now as nothing is ever explained or revealed. I’ve never sat through a movie that film like such a waste of time. By the end the story in your head is way more interesting than what’s actually going on. Even the main character is unlikable. He mostly jerks off or stands around with a dumb look on his face. It was hard to get a read on him, as he is meant to be this smart writer who was in the military, yet he comes off like a horse kicked him in the head when he was young and now only knows how to say hold the door.
1.Best F(r)iends: Volume 1 – You can’t think you’re in for anything good with Tommy Wiseau as your star. This film is so epically terrible, is a complete failure on all aspects of filmmaking. The writing is some of the worst put on film. The acting is some of the weirdest and most bizarre, even down to how it was edited and shot was wrong. Numerous times they slow down the footage, but they didn’t film it at a higher film rate, so the footage they slowed down is all choppy. The plot is so jumbled and incoherent that it tries to hide because the disguise of an art film. But this is as much of an art film as the Burning was exciting. And the kicker, this isn’t even all of it. There’s still a whole other half that I haven’t even gotten to see yet. Don’t worry, as I will be getting to it very soon. This is truly one of if not the worst film ever made. It isn’t even so bad it’s good territory. It’s just shitty filmmaking.
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