The Loverbirds – Did the Covid-19 pandemic do this movie a favor?

I’ve been rewatching a lot of RLM’s Mr. Plinkett reviews since they dropped a new one for the terrible and embarrassing Picard series.

But this isn’t a review of someone who reviewed Picard, this is a review for someone who watched someone else review Picard.

Damn it, now I’m ripping off Girlfriend Reviews.

Damn you, YouTube! You have infected everything!

If you haven’t heard, or maybe you got better things to do than hear about all the movies NOT coming to theaters, but Lovebirds was set to hit theaters in April I think. At least that’s what the trailer said. But who knows at this point. I’m not even sure what day it is right now.

Netflix grabbed Lovebirds up and set it to premiere on their site in May. Which is why I’m reviewing it now… in June.

After watching the movie, I have to say I was left slightly puzzled. Why was this going to theaters?

That new Netflix Adam Sandler film minus Adam Sandler The Wrong Missy had more theatrical appeal than this piece of shit did.

I really can’t see how this ever got a theatrical release to begin with and that got me thinking.

Just recently I watched the film My Spy, the Dave Bautista right of passage mandatory kids film.

The Rock had to do it with Tooth Fairy. Vin Diesel did it for The Pacifier. And the most famous one of all is of course was Arnold Schwarzenegger who did it with his housekeeper and created a little Guatemalan version of himself. Also he made Kindergarten Cop.

This time around, it was Bautista’s moment to step up and join the ranks with such classics as Mr. Nanny, Suburban Commando, Santa with Muscles and other pieces of shit starring Hulk Hogan from the 90’s.

The trailer for My Spy was constantly shown in theaters before the main attraction, I know this because I had to sit through all of them countless times. You might not have remembered it, but your brain sure did.

And then suddenly the film just pops up on VOD, without warning. Like crapping your pants after eating Taco Bell.

I’m taking a wild guess and say maybe Lovebirds was never going to theaters. Maybe this is just wild speculation on my part, but I get the feeling they knew they had a dumpster fire on their hands and the pandemic was a blessing in disguise.

Who in their right mind would want to come to the theater just to see a movie starring Kumail Nanjiani anyway?

I enjoyed him in Stuber, but he had someone like Dave Bautista to work off of. The Big Sick was really great, but that’s because he wrote it.

Who wrote The Lovebirds?

People who mostly cut their teeth on TV shows I don’t watch, so nothing of note.

That’s this film’s weakest element. The piss poor writing. Also no familiar faces.

The fact the film doesn’t have any familiar faces hurts it. I think the only other person I recognized was the blonde chick from True Blood. She’s not even the one that got all nudie!

I’m not saying your film needs to have a talent bomb for it to be good. In fact in a lot of cases, that’s a pretty good indicator your film won’t be good, but it’s nice to have one recognizable face to get your ass in the theater.

It’s a ploy used for ages, hell, most VOD films that star Bruce Willis bank on using his name alone, even if he’s barely in it. Point is, you see these shitty VOD films not because it stars the guy from One Tree Hill, but because it has Bruce Willis in it.

In summation, The Lovebirds was never coming to theaters and if it did, it would have bombed hard.

Now that it is available for streaming it’s a different story. Millions will now check it out just because it’s something new. Something we haven’t all seen before, so we jump on it like an enraged Karen jumps on a poor grocery store clerk who asked her to wear her mask while inside the store.

The Lovebirds is a dumpster fire for many reasons, but the one that really matters to me is, it just isn’t funny.

A lot of typical bad comedies I feel I can sometimes shake off just how bad they are if it at least delivers some laughs. Like for example The Wrong Missy, which I mentioned earlier. I found several parts of that film hilarious and was laughing out loud through a good portion of it, even if it isn’t what you’d call a good movie.

It also has the same problem Lovebirds does, as in who the hell would ever go to the theater to see a movie starring David Spade?

This isn’t the 1990’s anymore, who the fuck cares about David Spade? But then it hit me, maybe that’s the point. Here’s the thing about Adam Sandler films, they aren’t really made for people today, they’re made for people in the 90’s. The biggest dead giveaway might be the fact the only time you get to check to see if Vanilla Ice is still alive is if he pops up in an Adam Sandler production. There he is! Still alive.

Like a lot of people, I lost interest in David Spade, not because I thought his whole snarky shtick got old or done better by other comedians, I grew sour because of some things he’s said about Chris Farley in the past.

I won’t go into detail about all he said, just know I think anything disparaging said about Chris Farley automatically gets you on my shitlist.

But aside from that, I don’t hate David Spade, he paid his dues when his assistant broke into his home and attacked him with a taser. You almost need to forgive someone once they’ve been attacked by a man named Skippy. How embarrassing.

I know comedy is subjective, but since I’m the one writing this review, my opinion is the only one that matters!

Maybe because I grew up on Adam Sandler films, I’m more inclined to find that type of humor to my liking. It also helps that it appeals to the 90’s kid in me. And the one chained up in my basement.

The Lovebirds is nothing but garbage sitcom humor you’d find in a shitty one joke Chuck Lorre show my mom watches. That might have to do with the fact the writers are more comfortable with TV writing, I don’t know.

The humor (if that’s what you want to call it) in Lovebirds seems geared more towards today’s youth. If they were brain damaged.

The film starts off with an argument about whether our two main leads Jibran and Leilani are good enough as a couple to compete in The Amazing Race.

This film is basically Date Night, but without the talent. I’m not saying Date Night was the first film to do this premise, or really all that great but I’ve seen this setup before several times.

Usually these type of films start off with a couple going on a date, sometimes it’s a first date. They are either on the verge of breaking up, trying to find that spark they once had or maybe the date just isn’t going well.

Then something happens, they witness a murder, or they get a hold of something the bad guys want.

And then the plot begins as they are thrown into this dangerous situation, forcing them to work together to get out of it. And along the way they realize the spark is still there between them or the attraction that got them on their first date was real all along.

Which isn’t far from the truth. They say adding a little danger to a first date can help build that initial attraction. Which is why I always bring my sharpest knife to any date.

The best example of this is Mystery Date. It hits all the right marks. It had humor, great leads with a young Ethan Hawke and it had adventure. Which is something Lovebirds so desperately needs!

There’s no adventure in this adventure comedy. But I guess they’re sticking to a theme, seeing as it also doesn’t feature any comedy either.

All we’re stuck with are these horrible, annoying, unlikable, unrelatable characters. Jibran is kind of an asshole and Leilani is kind of an annoying brat that won’t stop looking at her phone or complaining. And none of that ever really changes.

Another appeal not just for these type of films, but film in general is characters grow and change. You start a character stuck up and prissy like in Mystery Date, but by the end of it, you have her clothes dirty and wearing a leather jacket, waving a gun around like some kind of badass broad you don’t want to fuck with.

Same goes for the male lead too. Usually he starts off meek, nerdy, a weak pussy boy, and by the end of the night, he should also be wearing a leather jacket and waving a gun around, ready to blow a hole in some jerk that messes with his girl.

Essentially, it makes him more manly, therefore getting the girl’s attention. Because girls like it when you kill somebody for them. Just ask all those unattainable bad boys in prison on murder charges. Hell, even Ted Bundy had groupies.

Anyway, Jibran and Leilani never change. They’re the same people at the start of the film, when we first meet them, to the end, where they’re running The Amazing Race, still bickering at each other.

They can’t be the same people we meet at the start of the movie or else, what the fuck was the point?

I’ll kill the suspense, there was no point!

Sure, we see the beginning of their relationship that starts off as a one night stand. But then they spend the day together and it becomes more.

Then we fast forward to 4 years later and all they do is bicker and snipe at each other. Currently they’re debating how good or bad they’d do on The Amazing Race. Sort of like as a relationship test that Leilani feels Jibran is failing.

As they bicker and fight, they drive to a party, but along the way they decide it’s best to just break up.

From everything we’ve seen thus far, that might be the best option. At some point if you stay in a relationship long enough, you stay in it just because it’s convenient. It’s been so long, you might as well. Plus moving can be expensive and a real pain in the ass.

That’s kind of where Jibran and Leilani are at in their relationship. It has been 4 years and they seem mostly stuck, taking their frustrations out on each other.

I’m not a relationship expert, in fact I’m not an expert in anything, but I know toxic when I see it. Toxic waste, toxic shock, toxic farts and toxic relationships.

What Jibran and Leilan have is toxic. Normally to help fill that void, you get a dog or you get married or you have a kid, but they don’t want either of these things, so they’re just stuck. They’re stuck with the reality that they wouldn’t make for great Amazing Race competitors. So relatable!

The second they break up however, they hit a man on a bicycle. He seems fine as he bikes away. But soon after he takes off, a man comes to their car, claiming to be a cop and needing to occupy their vehicle, with them still inside.

They help chase the man on the bike down, running him over. After a few times under the wheels, Jibran and Leilani start to suspect maybe this guy isn’t really a cop.

Earlier while checking to see if the biker they hit was okay, they took his phone by mistake. That phone seems to be the thing the fake cop is after. But the police come before he can retrieve it from them.

The guy takes off and Jibran and Leilani are left with a dead body that was ran over by their car. Fearing they’ll get the blame, they make a break for it, fleeing the scene.

A few issues with this setup.

First, the police never suspect they were involved. Pretty much making their soon to come adventure completely pointless. Sure, they don’t know that, and neither do we, but it really felt like a dud of a firework. You were expecting a zip into the sky with a loud pop. But what you got was a fizzle and it petering out before it even left the ground.

There needed to be more on the line. The police needed to be actively pursuing them, maybe have wanted posters up or TV reporters mentioning the police are seeking their arrest.

Which brings me to this, the guy claiming to be a cop that killed the cyclist, was actually a cop. They should have used that to build suspense. Instead of the idiotic premise of them proving their innocence for no real reason, give the situation some danger.

Reveal that the guy is in fact a cop early on, making it clear he has set them up for this crime. So now going to the police is completely out of the question. They are forced to go on this adventure instead of choosing to.

Without that element of danger, the film feels so pointless and I can’t stress this enough. It’s boring!

There’s no real danger, as the dirty cop isn’t even looking for them. And like I mentioned, neither are the real police.

Even Adventures in Babysitting had an element of danger, and that’s a movie made for babies. And no, I’m not talking about the 2016 remake made by the fucking Disney Channel. The real one with a super hot Elisabeth Shue and a soon to be obese Vincent D’Onofrio.

Jibran and Leilani are annoying, it’s hard to find their quick quips to each other funny, as I mostly found myself getting annoyed.

But not nearly as annoying as the editing. The film has two editors, so you’re telling me not one noticed the continuity in the diner scene?

Let me explain, at one point, right after fleeing the crime scene, our two leads order milkshakes. In one scene they have them in front of them, and in the next scene they are gone, replaced with French fries.

I thought maybe it was a time lapse scene, them trying to come up with their next move, but no. It was in mid conversation.

My guess is they had to cut around a lot of unfunny dialogue. Like Ghostbusters 2016, if they aren’t talking, people aren’t laughing. So let’s keep them prattling on about fuck knows what, just keep their mouths moving and funny stuff will eventually come out.

Maybe that might work if Jibran and Leilani had any kind of chemistry whatsoever, which they don’t. I’d think they were brother and sister if not for the fact one of them is black and the other is Pakistani.

The biggest drawback to me with these characters, are they’re just so damn stupid. It honestly felt like I was watching Dumb and Dumber at times. God, I wish I was watching Dumber and Dumber, hell, I’d even take the prequel over this shit.

They tell you how smart Jibran and Leilani are, Jibran being a documentary filmmaker and… I can’t remember what Leilani was. A lawyer, maybe?

God, I hope I’m wrong about that, as it makes her actions in this movie even more idiotic.

Jibran and Leilani decide to check out the cyclist’s phone, leading them to meet a couple he was blackmailing. This was the only scene that got a laugh out of me, so I won’t go into detail just all that happens. But it’s in the trailer, so you pretty much know already.

After they escape, they track down where the cyclist lived, finding his blackmailing operation run by a bunch of frat dudes. But the dirty cop shows up and kills everyone.

Jibran and Leilani then find themselves at a sex orgy but get caught. The police breakup the orgy and Jibran and Leilani are arrested.

They explain they were never under arrest and put them under protective watch until they can track down the real killer. And for some reason they couldn’t tell their driver was the dirty cop.

He takes them to his boat where he plans on killing them, but that’s quickly dealt with, mostly with them bickering to each other as they easily take the dirty cop out.

Conflict, who needs it, right?

And like I mentioned, at the end they end up on the reality TV show The Amazing Race, still bickering.

I hated this movie, do not waste your time on it. It wasn’t romantic, it wasn’t funny, it wasn’t suspenseful, it wasn’t much of anything. It killed 2 hours, and like 2 weeks of me writing this review.

SKIP IT

Instead, check out The Wrong Missy. It has Vanilla Ice in it. Or give Mystery Date a watch if you’ve never seen it.

That does it for me for this month. Not sure what film I’ll be back with, hopefully something a bit more relevant than fucking Lovebirds.

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