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Pixels – Can Dinklage Save Sandler?


pixels-movie-reviewAn excerpt from The Captain’s film review of Pixels which will be available 8/16/15:

He called the shit poop!

The short this is based on is great, everyone check it out if you haven’t already. I was excited to hear it was getting made into a full length feature. Then I heard Adam Sandler was doing it and I pretty much deflated. That is just the effect Sandler has on people nowadays. What did the Sony hacked emails say about him again? Like how they’re going to be stuck making his shitty movies for the end of times. I’m paraphrasing of course.

Am I an Adam Sandler fan? I think the problem is I was. A pretty big one in fact. But now seeing as I am no longer 12 and Adam Sandler no longer gives a damn about his own movies, the appeal has worn off.

He just doesn’t care anymore. There’s just no effort put into his movies or his performance. The light behind Adam Sandler’s eyes has gone out and he is just running on autopilot.

Which I think was the plot to Click. Maybe the real Adam Sandler is off jumping through time, while we are all stuck with this shell of a miserable human being. But even though I know the next film he releases will be shit, I will still see it. It’s the curiosity that kills me. You never know when he might snap out of it and start being funny again.

I actually heard that Adam Sandler might be a little introverted or something antisocial so maybe doing stuff with people like filming movies might actually be a painful experience for him. Which is great! Why should we be the only ones to suffer!

So Pixels. I’m not gonna lie. I kind of liked it. Ok, I liked parts of it.

For one, I really dig the premise. Aliens receive a message from us from the 80’s and perceive it as a declaration of war. They send their warriors to earth and we have to fight them using videogame logic. It kind of reminded me of this anime I loved called Gantz. A group of people are forced to fight and kill harmless aliens living in the city for a game of sport. They also did a live action film a couple of years ago too. Like most live action based anime, it wasn’t very good.

Both Hank and I play videogames. But I’d be lucky to find anyone who has actually played Frogger. I’ve only ever played it once years ago while waiting for my brother to get his braces removed. It’s a terrible game by the way. And the first time I ever played Pac-Man was at a McDonalds. Though I’m thinking maybe that was Ms. Pac-Man. But same thing, right? Now that I think about it, why not have Josh Gad obsessed with Ms. Pac-Man? Instead they just made up a female game character. Plus it would have saved us from seeing him fuck Qbert. Since Hank left that out of his review, I’ll make sure to address that piece of weird later.

I used to go to the mall arcade all the time. Everyone would be huddled around Street Fighter and the only thing I ever got to play was that stupid Aerosmith video game where you shot CDs at enemies. So I liked the beginning of the film where Adam Sandler and Kevin James are kids rushing to the arcade to play the newest game. Which happens to be Donkey Kong.

So first what I think they got wrong.

Like I said, I do think this premise has promise, I just think they kind of fucked it up along the way. But there seems to be so many different drafts of this, maybe at least one got it right. We’ll never know since Hank refuses to read all 8 drafts. That slacker.

First thing they got wrong was the content. This should have been a little edgier. Sure it’s about videogame characters but how many kids know who the fuck Qbert is? Maybe if they watched Wreck-It Ralph but… kids aren’t going to understand any of these retro game references. Hell, I’ve never even heard of Galaga. I’m not saying rate this thing an R, but the tone is way off on this at times. Sometimes it feels like it was made for little kids and other times it has masturbation jokes and all the other standards you’d usually expect to find in an Adam Sandler film. I guess he plays well with teens, I mean he did when I was one. But still the tone of this film is so off sometimes.

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