I meant to post half of this last Friday, but I up and forgot about it. So, here is last week and this weeks movies. A lot of stinkers this time around but a few good one too.

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark – Not that bad actually. I was expecting I guess Goosebumps, but this was more of an actual horror film. It was way scarier than I anticipated it being. Kind of a crappy ending, that sets you up for a sequel, but aside from that I enjoyed it. SEE IT

Boar – Packed full of nothing but useless filler. Scenes go on for too long or have no purpose to them whatsoever. The Boar looked horrible, as you could tell was a practical effect, however it always was too large to actually move, so mostly it just stands there while they operate the head. This might actually be better than the alternative since the CGI in this is also abysmal. SKIP IT!

House of the Witch – For some reason, I’m guessing because they both have “witch” in the title, I thought this was the movie reals recommended in one of his reviews recently. He gave it a rent it, so I thought I might check it out. That movie was called Witch in the Window. Not this piece of shit. I’m pretty sure this was a tv movie, as there are what seems to be commercial breaks. This is so bad, I know reals hated Mandy and Haunt but how could he be this far off? It wasn’t until about midway it hit me this wasn’t the movie he was talking about. That I think was a Shudder exclusive, while House of the Witch was something I found on Netflix. Terrible acting, terrible writing… at one point a character has to basically walk backwards across the whole damn room just to accidently bump into an old record player. Either have her standing next to it from the start or just have it suddenly turn on. Don’t just have your character walk aimlessly backwards. SKIP IT

3 From Hell – I was really nervous about this one, as Rob Zombie has been more miss than hit with his films. I liked 31 more than most, I mean, I do own two copies of it. One, the standard bluray and the other, the German steelbook that I paid way too much for, especially since I can’t actually play the damn thing. I see The Devil’s Rejects mostly as his masterpiece, so it’s going to be hard to live up to that if you do a sequel. What I can say is, after finally watching 3 From Hell is, I wasn’t disappointed. After 31, I became an instant Richard Brake fan. And learning he was going to be the new 3rd member From Hell, I was pretty ecstatic about this movie. But still, cautious. This is still Rob Zombie we’re talking about here. 3 From Hell is not a perfect film or the masterpiece The Devil’s Rejects was, but it is a great addition to the Firefly saga and the best thing Rob Zombie has made in a really long time. The first half of the film reminded me a lot of Natural Born Killers. Them in prison, the media sensation they’ve become, very reminiscent of NBK. After they break out of prison however it is a slight rehash of the Devil’s Rejects. Almost too much so, as a lot of things from that movie do repeat here. There was a strange moment where Clint Howard shows up in the middle of the night dressed like a clown, looking for a children’s birthday party. Setting it then didn’t make sense, but what clearly should have happened was set it later that morning. As the characters aren’t really doing much of anything but waiting for Baby to escape prison. Hopefully they make at least one more sequel as I think adding Richard Brake to the cast was perfect. Just maybe try to come up with something new this time, Rob. SEE IT

Little Monsters – Nothing I love more than a good aussie horror film. This one didn’t disappoint. I don’t think I’ve ever watched a Hulu original movie before, but if they stay at this quality, I might venture out and see what else they have to offer aside from the usual weekly offerings I get from Netflix. This is a zombie movie, which I’ve grown to like again, for a while I was really in the pits about anything featuring zombies. It figures I’d finally start getting into The Walking Dead once everyone is now over it. Plus, we got Zombieland 2 on the way… plus this really fantastic Netflix series Black Summer, which is what really kick started my love again for the zombie horror genre. Little Monsters, not to be confused with the Fred Savage film with Howie Mandel, did exactly what I expected a horror comedy like this to do. It delivered some laughs and some good gore. It wasn’t too over the top like another aussie zombie horror films I love like Undead, but it was still a decent enough film to catch if you’re in the mood for some laughs and some gore. SEE IT

Sweetheart – I kind of stuck my nose up at this movie for its PG-13 rating, but I’m glad I got over my own bias and watched it because it is really fantastic. Think Castaway meets Predator. The CGI monster, which I’m thinking was motion cap, only because of how well it looked, was creepy and intimidating. It does slightly hit a bump in the road when other survivors show up. Their acting wasn’t very good and kind of ruined this somewhat perfect film up until then. I love the shot where you first see the monster out in the ocean. It’s so cool and haunting. Like what the fuck is that! Loved the movie. SEE IT

Mary – To continue the horror at sea theme, I watched this generic piece of shit. Here is how you can spot a shitty horror movie. They all have this tell. And that’s if every jump scare in the film is followed by the character waking up from a dream. That’s right, jump scare dream sequences. Aside from that though, the film is just boring and so by the book generic. You’ve basically seen this movie before you have actually seen this movie. SKIP IT

The Dead Center – The film I thought had too slow of a buildup, however it does pay off at the end. It was unclear exactly what the hell was going on however, as it was never explained. If it was I must have missed it. The writing aside, the directing was superb. He’s only directed one other film, but just from this movie, I say the director is someone to look out for in the future. Just get him the right script. RENT IT

Trick – I’m about 90% sure this was originally written to be a Scream sequel. I can’t talk about this film without getting into some spoilers. I figured out the twist in this film almost immediately. Whenever characters go into a speech about how the good guys have each other while the killer only has themselves, that should be a hint that in the end it turns out there are more than one Ghostface killers, I mean, Tricks. The other hint was the fact they kept giving different descriptions of the killer. But that is the least of this films troubles as their little cult, didn’t make sense. I had no idea what their motivations were to follow this guy and start killing random people on Halloween. Even the doctor was in on it for some reason. Played by Jamie Kennedy by the way, another Scream callback. Him and a few cops, a random bartender… it made zero sense and kind of ruined what would have been a pretty good slasher film. But if you can overlook that, I’d give this a RENT IT.

Extra Ordinary – Cute, I guess is the best way to describe this little Irish horror comedy. It’s cute. It didn’t blow me away or make me fall asleep, so I guess you can say it was very middle of the road. But it has some quirkiness to it that I think might appeal to those looking for something a bit different this year. It isn’t too gory, though it does have some moments that do make you remember you’re watching a horror movie. RENT IT

Eli – A lot of twists and turns, some I saw coming, others I didn’t. Worth checking out on Netflix if you’re looking for something a bit more spooky with a few plot twists. RENT IT

The Gallows Act II – This could possibly be the worst film, not only that I watch all month, but maybe all year. I could rant about this piece of shit for pages and pages, but will try to limit myself to only a few sentences instead. Where do I even start with this? Somehow they managed to make an even worse sequel to a film that was already really bad. The writing in this is absolutely terrible, I mean, this is we filmed a first draft terrible. The film has nothing but jump scares, yet not a single jump scare even gets a jump out of you. You’d think out of 30 jump scares at least one would get you off guard, but nope. And that ending. The ending that makes zero goddamn sense. Remember the shitty horror movie Smiley? Well, the filmmakers of this sure did, as the ending is exactly the same. The only redeeming quality this film has, is the lead actress. She’s way too good for this movie, crammed into a movie with terrible terrible actors. SKIP IT

The Young Cannibals – I knew I was in trouble once that Asylum logo popped up. This movie is bad, really bad. At first it kind of seemed like it wanted to be a horror comedy, but that charade is quickly dropped once the monster shows up. Or should I say more like pretends to show up, since the whole premise to this film is only those who have eaten human flesh can see this monster, everyone else it’s like nothing is there. So a good portion of this film we only have our actors reacting to shit that isn’t really there. And yes, it’s as boring as you think it is. SKIP IT

-Captain Peachfuzz

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