An excerpt from my script review for Expendables 3 which will be available 8/18/14:
4.) Dialogue and Description
This script is a GREAT example of how to write interesting description.
Instead of telling you, I’ll just cite specific examples.
Page 2, describing a train:
EXPLODES INTO FRAME, thundering down the tracks like a firebreathing dragon from Hell. The TED-70 locomotive, 150 tons of hardened steel, pulling a five-car train. Cockpit lights burning like TWO GLOWING RED EYES.
Is the train evil? If it was alive it sure as hell would be.
Page 3, describing the Expendables demeanor:
No fucking around. No pithy quips. Barney’s face is stone
cold serious.
The first part especially, spells out the characters’ moods EXACTLY
Page 4, after Barney’s near miss with the mountain:
Jesus, that was close.
That simple line conveys two things. First the helicopter avoiding a collision with the mountain, and second, the emotion crossing Barney’s face.
Don’t say in four lines what you can with one, especially if that one is killing two birds with one stone.
Page 51, new team meeting old:
The tension/friction/conflict between the Young and Old
Expendables is combustible and raw. The two groups stare
each other down.
And yours truly doesn’t do this enough, but “combustible and raw” are awesome word choices.
Page 56 – GREAT example of a “down on their luck” montage. This one I won’t copy and paste in, but VERY well done and a recommended read.
Page 102, setting the mood for the location of the final showdown:
Behind every pillar, we expect someone to jump out. Every
corner — every shadow — hiding a potential ambush —
Again, very nice structure, but I particularly would have liked to see this part drag out just a tad longer, having characters round corners and pillars quickly only to have nothing there, a fact that worries the shit out of them…
Want the full review? Follow this link to the Expendables 3 Discussion.
And be sure to check out our Notes Service, where I give my detailed thoughts and suggestions on your script.
