I guess it was inevitable that I’d have to review the second half, right? I know no one was actually requesting I do this, and the pain, the suffering I endured, I did only to myself. 

If you took a look at my worst list of 2018, you’d find volume one as my number one pick. And rightfully so, as it is terrible. But, the question now it seems, will volume two be my number one pick for worst film of 2019? 

I think the bigger question might be why this needed to be split up into two films in the first place. Both “volumes” have so much filler that both films could have been at least 40 minutes each if they just tightened it up, maybe not use so many montages or in post slow motion sequences, deciding to slow down footage without first filming it at a higher film rate results in the image being jittery. 

And it isn’t like they used it once or twice but numerous times. 

Speaking of volume one, I should maybe give a quick recap of events that happened just to catch you all up to speed.

In volume one, we start out getting introduced to Jon, played by Greg Sestero. He’s a homeless guy that just recently jumped off a bridge and landed in a tree. 

He walks around LA with blood on his shirt, looking for a handout with funny help me signs. That’s when he bumps into creepo Harvey, played by real life weirdo Tommy Wiseau.

I guess I could use their character names while describing them, but c’mon, they’re basically playing themselves. So I’m just going to call them by their real names.

Tommy plays this mortician, who I’m almost convinced is Tommy’s real profession. He hires Greg on as an assistant, showing Greg his creepy death masks of cadavers he likes to make postmortem.

Instead of being creeped out by this, he feels honored Tommy made one of him. And that brings the two together, solidifying their friendship. 

They have to tell you it’s a friendship because otherwise we’d be oblivious as to what their relationship actually was. Every movie they make together always has Greg finding a girlfriend and Tommy getting jealous of their relationship. 

Maybe more on that later, I don’t know. It’s a rabbit hole I don’t I want to go down. 

Anyway! Greg however gets an idea, he wants to rob all the gold teeth Tommy has collected from the cadavers over the years.

Tommy catches him stealing and instead of getting angry, the two go into business together.

Tommy even has a giant safe shaped like an ATM to keep all their money. And like I speculated in my review, I’m pretty sure that’s Tommy Wiseau’s real safe they used. My guess is Tommy called Greg over one night and showed this safe to him, so Greg put it in his script. I’m thinking that’s true for about 90% of this movie.

Hey, Tommy has access to a morgue, I know, we can film our movie there. Hey, Tommy also has a fancy old car, let’s use that as well. I wonder if Tommy also has a bunch of creepy masks of people lying around as well.

Greg meets a girl named Traci, telling her all about his gold teeth business and how much money him and Tommy are making off of it. Meanwhile, Tommy has started acting very suspiciously. I mean more than usual. I know it’s hard to tell as the guy truly is one of those tiny aliens steering a human body like in Men in Black.

You think I’m joking but the guy seriously acts like an alien who has never spoken to another living being before. It’s so damn strange. 

You can tell that Tommy has got to be pushing 60. But dresses like a teenager from the Clueless movie. So did I, but I actually was a teenager then, not a creepy 60 year old weirdo that dyes his hair jet black. 

Greg’s girlfriend Traci convinces him that Tommy is stealing all his money, so the two of them come up with a plan to steal the money first. 

They trick Tommy by telling him they got tickets to see The Rolling Stones, as Greg and Tommy drive off to Vegas to see the concert, Greg tries to steal the keys to the ATM safe.

But Tommy knew this was a trap and confronts Greg.

The two argue and fight, resulting in Tommy getting shoved off a cliff, presumably to his death. 

And that’s where volume one leaves off.

Volume two picks up right where the first half left off, with Greg grabbing the safe keys and Traci picking him up.

They get to the shed or garage… I’m guessing this is actually Tommy Wiseau’s shed/garage. 

They try the keys they stole but none of them fit. Instead of going back and looking for the right pair, they decide to just grab the safe and make a run for it.

During their getaway, Traci and Greg get pulled over by the police. Not wanting to risk being caught with a safe they could easily explain away, they decide to stay at this really creepy guy’s bed and breakfast. I’m not sure if the guy is meant to be creepy or he just is that creepy by nature. 

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He couldn’t have been an actor, as I don’t know what he was doing could be classified legally as acting. He doesn’t seem to be on the film’s IMDB page, so who he was I can’t say. 

Only thing I can say or speculate on is he must have some connection to either Tommy or Greg. Which makes me speculate about everyone in this film that pop up. 

Like our next guy…

Traci sneaks off to make a call to her uncle Rick, who can get them some place safe and help get the ATM open.

One thing that was blatantly obvious, aside from the fact that Traci and this Rick guy are in on something dubious, but the guy looks and sounds just like Clint Eastwood.

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It got me interested in just who this guy was. I figured maybe he was Clint Eastwood’s stunt double back in the day. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. He isn’t even listed as a stunt guy like I suspected. He’s only ever done one movie back in 1983. Everything else listed him being in are all uncredited. 

I can’t help but let my imagination run wild with some of this shit. I’m guessing him and Tommy know each other somehow maybe… ex-lovers perhaps? I said I wouldn’t go down that rabbit hole, but it might be inevitable.

It’s hinted out by Greg that him and Tommy’s relationship was maybe a bit sexual. Maybe, I really don’t know. I only have to go on what I see and what I see is this rich weirdo and this struggling young actor… also add in the real life jealousy Tommy seems to express towards Greg and other women… I don’t know, I guess it’s just hard to see how Greg could ever become friends with this guy unless he was using him for money or fame.

Which is borderline what Best F(r)iends is really about. 

You know how volume one of Kill Bill was an homage to kung fu movies and volume two was an homage to westerns? Well, that’s what volume two of Best F(r)iends is but know you, shitty. 

Most of volume two takes place out in the desert, giving the film a western feel. But mainly because it’s cheaper to film out in the desert instead of a busy city with actual locations.

But hey, I can’t knock them for wanting a cheap place to film their low budget movie.

Another thing I should point out, Tommy Wiseau basically vanishes from the film at this point. We are treated to some flash forwards with Greg handcuffed and Tommy wearing a Swaggersouls helmet, but… 

Now that I think about it, I wonder if Tommy Wiseau is even the one wearing the helmet.

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He eventually shows up but he’s wearing this crusader helmet where you can’t see his face, it kind of seems like Tommy dropped out or didn’t want to film those scenes, so they gave a guy with his build and tossed a shitty looking long black wig on him and covered it all up with a helmet. 

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A helmet I have no clue why he’s even wearing it in the first place. 

Oh, by the way, I’m not sure I even mentioned this in the volume one review but Paul Scheer is in this. Uncredited! You’d think the only known actor in your film you’d want to maybe spotlight him, but nope. 

I wonder if he did this as a lark, just to say you were in a shitty Tommy Wiseau film. 

If I had to choose, I would say volume two is slightly better than the first half, only because Tommy isn’t in it that much. It’s now just the Greg show, starring Greg. 

His ability as a writer is very suspect. He was able to write a book competently, but writing a script is a different matter. Maybe novelist should be his profession as his acting abilities are only slightly better than Tommy Wiseau’s. He also has a lot to learn about story structure, pacing, character motivations, and the most important thing how to write dialogue. 

He does seem to try and channel his inner Tarantino with his Uncle Rick character, giving him long running monologues about how he killed his wife and started having sex with Traci… 

Yeah, spoilers I guess… 

Traci and Uncle Rick… who I’m still not completely sure if they are indeed related, are planning on killing Greg and claiming the contents of the safe as their own.

Thankfully, white knight Tommy in his literal knight’s helmet shows up to save the day. He kills Rick and the two ride off together. It makes it seem like after Greg confronts Traci, Greg leaves with Tommy and they patch things up. But if we’re going by the fact that all of this is technically being told in a flashback, they must have then driven back to Tommy’s morgue house, where he cuffs Greg to the stairs.

Then after that they patch things up and Tommy comes clean as to what he was up to.

Paul Scheer plays Malmo, this mysterious figure Tommy kept meeting with and giving money to. 

It turns out, Tommy spent all the money they made by buying Greg a house. The only thing in the safe is the papers he needs to sign to get ownership. 

Tommy also signed Greg up to go to college, which kind of makes it seem like both him and Tommy are going to school together now. I’m unclear if Tommy will also be living with Greg now or…

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I don’t want to think about it too hard. 

So that was Best F(r)iends. It’s a terrible movie that I challenge anyone to try and watch both parts back to back. It might be impossible. You might go insane. You might summon Tommy Wiseau. 

I give this film a SKIP IT

The acting from everyone and I mean EVERYONE is so dreadful… Tommy Wiseau reminded me of a drugged up Michael Jackson. The writing and directing is so incompetent that I’m shocked they knew how to even turn on the cameras. 

There’s so much filler in this that could have simply been cut out. Thankfully there are less slow motion sequences in the second half, so at least there’s that. 

There isn’t much good I can really say about these movies. 

At least volume one had the laugh factor since every time Tommy Wiseau is on screen it’s an hilarious tragedy, but he vanishes from the movie once part two kicks in, so all you’re left with is the sad realization that Greg doesn’t have any seeable talent, but so desperately thinks he does. 

Maybe he can make a career out of doing shitty movies with Tommy Wiseau, I don’t know. I wouldn’t bank on it, as that well will dry up fast like Tommy Wiseau’s wrinkly old man face that he hides with long dyed black hair and oversized dark sunglasses. Again, he’s either hiding his age or the fact he’s an alien.

I don’t really know what I’ll be reviewing next week, so wait and see. Whatever it is, at least I can rest soundly that it won’t be as bad as this movie. 

I should check and see what comes out next week… let’s see.. oh no.. Madea Family Funeral!

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