hitman-agent-47-movie-reviewAn excerpt from The Captain’s review of the Hitman: Agent 47 film which will be available 9/20/15:

I hate Skip Woods. I’ve never met him, I don’t know who he is, but just based on his work alone and what he did to the Die Hard franchise, I hate him. I hate him with a passion. He might be the worst screenwriter working today.

Which begs the question, who is Skip Woods? Who represents him? And the bigger question, what does he look like? The only thing I’ve been able to find is this one picture claiming to be him. Though I’m pretty sure it’s just a picture of Mickey Rourke.

Does this guy actually exist? Is he someone the studios made up? Like how Sony made up David Manning, the fake film reviewer. The clue there being only someone fictitious would rave about a Rob Schneider film.

So what are the clues to think the same of Skip Woods?

He keeps getting work.


Getting down to the plot.

I thought the days of Terminator knockoff films were over. Actually, this movie is worse than that. It’s more like a film knocking off a film that’s knocking off Terminator.

Hitman Agent 47 for the most part is this film called Peacemaker. If you haven’t seen it, do so. It stars Robert Forster and is about two aliens coming to earth, one a cop, another a criminal. But we aren’t sure which is good and which is bad. First you think Robert Forster is bad, then you think he’s good and then you find out he was the bad one all along. That is basically what is going on in Hitman Agent 47.

Zachary Quinto shows up to help rescue Katia from the dreaded Agent 47. We learn through a 5 minute exposition dump during the opening credits that he was engineered by a mad scientist. He was obsessed with making humans better. How that lead to cloned killers… I don’t know. Story! Who needs that to makes sense?

Again, I’ve only played one of the Hitman games, the 4th in the series I think. If this film is meant to be a reboot, you should always assume not just fans of the games will go and see this. So not explaining to us anything that is really going on is bullshit. No, sorry. What is bullshit is to just dump all of that info on us while the stupid credits roll. Skip Woods, that shitty malfunctioning robot.

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3 COMMENTS

  1. Actually, I saw both of the Hitman films, and to be honest, I loved the one with Rupert better than the one with Timothy… The one with Rupert had a better story line, and Rupert seemed to fit the part better, although I just read someone’s obsession about how 47 should never smile. But, then he probably shouldn’t have had the lines he had either and probably should’ve killed his father long before giving him the device to blow up the helicopter.

    I’m not saying it’s a great film, but it is my new favorite… Girl With the Dragon Tattoo [with Rooney Mara] was previous. There’s not a whole lot of films I like… I certainly didn’t like the one with Timothy… I watched both of them in the winter when DirecTV gave a free preview during the weekend…

    Though, both Hitman films were written by the same man, the second one is better, story-wise: brother and sister find each other; and actor-wise: Rupert and Hannah.
    Not: hitman protects call-girl. was boring!

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