It feels so long ago since I’ve reviewed a DC superhero movie. I believe the last one was Joker. Of course that isn’t part of this cinematic universe.

Though I’m pretty sure they forgot Wonder Woman was also part of this cinematic universe as well, since this movie makes zero goddamn sense, especially if this is connected to Batman v. Superman.

I found myself mostly enjoying the first few minutes of WW84, only because I kept waiting for the plot to kick in. It’s a 2 and half hour movie, I was expecting some build up.

Then about an hour into it, I realized I was still waiting for the plot to start.

Then it hit me, oh this is it. This is the movie.

I’m not the biggest Wonder Woman fan. I really know nothing about her character other than what everyone knows by osmosis.

That and she was created by a perv who also created the lie detector. But I got into that I believe in my last Wonder Woman review, so no back tracking.

Speaking of, this movie does nothing but feed off the nostalgic warm and fuzzies of 1984. If you thought Stranger Things way bad…

There’s a lot to unpack here, one thing I will say is it is going to be nearly impossible to avoid spoilers, so if you had plans to see this, please do so and come back here. The film is streaming on HBO max, so really with everything they plan on releasing soon, it’s worth the investment.

Hell, you might already have it and not realize it.

So where to start…

Plot holes, maybe?

The plot holes in this movie are boundless. Things make no sense and the film doesn’t give a shit. It was like they tossed their hands up and just shrugged.

A lot of that I think falls squarely on Patty Jenkins’ shrugged shoulders as she now has stepped up to not only direct it but also write it. That wasn’t the case for the first film.

I guess she got some clout.

Big mistake.

I guess the best way to lay out the film’s many issues, is to just hit them one by one as I break down the nonsensical plot.

Like I mentioned, it’s 1984 in Washington DC, Diana works at the Smithsonian doing… something. Business lady doing business.

Actually, before that, we get a scene of Diana as a young girl on Themyscira as she competes in a triathlon. It really serves no purpose to the plot, aside from this heavy handed metaphor for cheating to get ahead.

Now it’s 1984, dropping us where every person living in 1984 goes, the shopping mall.

A group of armed men are robbing a mall jewelry store, but not just the store, but the black market dealings they have going on in the back. In a shopping mall.

They grab what they can, also making sure to nab this stone relic.

As they flee, one of the robbers drops his gun, alerting everyone in the mall. He freaks out and grabs a little girl, threatening to drop her off the ledge if the mall cops get any closer.

So of course Wonder Woman shows up to save the day, but also somehow knows who the other men involved in the robbery are.

How? There’s no way of knowing they were apart of this crime, their cover wasn’t blown like the other two. So how did she pick them out in the crowd?

Anyway, she takes these guys out, making sure to kill any security cameras that might have caught her image.

The robbers were hired by Maxwell Lord to steal the relic. He’s kind of this fake millionaire, swimming in debt, investing in oilfields that didn’t have oil.

Turns out the relic is basically a monkey’s paw, granting wishes but at a cost.

Maxwell wants control of the relic to gain power and money. I assume that’s the case, his motivations are thin and vague. Mostly it just boils down to bad guy wants power.

The first half of the 1984 Wonder Woman introduction sequence was very much Richard Donner Superman.

This film is kind of a hodgepodge of a bunch of inspirations, but Superman and Indiana Jones clearly being the main two.

We are introduced to Barbara Minerva, played by Kristen Wiig. I know nothing about the character she’s playing Cheetah. But I can tell you with great certainty she was completely miscast for the role.

Barbara is this geeky woman who works at the museum with Diana, that she idolizes, though I’m not sure why as Diana is kind of a major bitch in this movie.

She’s insanely unlikable for some reason.

The two have dinner one night, striking up a… friendship?

Barbara reminded me a lot of Electro from Amazing Spider-Man 2 actually. Oddly enough the whole movie kind of reminds me of Amazing Spider-Man 2.

Max Lord visits the museum where he flirts up Barbara, trying to get close to the relic.

Without anyone knowing it, they end up making wishes off it. Even Diana, though she makes her wish to herself, not out loud like literally everyone else in the world has to do.

But they’re so loose with the rules for this thing in the end it’s only half of the issues that pop up around this macguffin.

Like for example, you can only make one single wish, though Barbra gets to make two wishes, just because.

Diana has been grieving for her dead lover Steve Trevor for 60 plus years and makes a wish to bring him back.

Which the relic does… but in the body of another person? What? Why? At first I thought maybe the relic had limitations on things it could realistically do, but later on, no, you see it do all kinds of dumb magical bullshit.

So why was he brought back inside another body?

It’s incredibly problematic, especially once you realize this random dude has been bodyjacked, not to mention forced to have tons of sex with Diana without his knowhow.

If that wasn’t bad enough, they even ate all his poptarts!

I’m also completely unsure as to why Steve is in this movie for that matter. Honestly, he takes over the movie, pushing Diana out of the way as the lead.

He serves no real point to the plot other than to do three things.

First, to give Wonder Woman a case of the no gays. She has a man! She pines for a man, no gay here.

Second, a reason to strip or weaken Diana of her powers, because she’s essentially a god.

And three, this is later in the film but to teach Diana how to fly.

That’s kind of it.

You know right from the start that he’s just going to end up dying again. They already did this in the first film, why are they doing it again?

Barbra makes her wish, wanting to be like Diana, strong and hot. Which the stone relic does, but the price being it removes her humanity or heart or kindness it was unclear. They showed her giving leftovers to a homeless guy once to show she is a kind person.

So I guess that was the price she had to pay.

After Max seduces her, he takes control of the relic, his wish being to actually become the wishing stone.

The thing that wish takes from him is it kills him a little with every wish he grants. But the wishing stone didn’t do that. The stone didn’t crack with each wish made from it.

Again, this is another example of them making shit up to further the plot, who cares if it makes sense or not.

They basically need the wishes to injure him, to give our villain motivation to actually be a villain. I’ll just take people’s wishes to heal myself.

Before that, he uses the ability to grant wishes to settle old scores with business partners, and an oil prince he’s jealous of.

He also has a son, who looks nothing like him.

He’s your typical neglected kid, acting as our villain’s “heart”.

To call Max Lord a villain though…

To move the plot forward and also this review, Max flies to Cairo to take the oil prince for everything he’s got, in return his wish is to build a massive wall around the country.

One thing hit me about midway while watching this, but why was this set during 1984 and not the present?

I thought maybe it was to use the backdrop of the tensions between US and Russia during the cold war. But it barely plays into anything, not to mention we meet the president and it isn’t Reagan, so…

Diana and Steve head off to catch up with Max Lord, but to do this they steal a jet fighter.

I was slightly confused by this scene, thankfully I am able to rewind it. I thought this was Diana’s secret hanger or something, as she uses an ID badge to get in.

But no, this is the museum she works at.

Just so I get this right, they steal a fighter jet from the museum, now forget the fact this jet is just there, all gassed up and ready to take off, but are there fighter jets at a museum airport?

Also, museums have airports?

I guess I can look that up…

That’s just the tip of the stupid cake we are about to be served, so buckle in, fellas.

This is also the introduction of Wonder Woman’s invisible jet. Just the idea of an invisible jet is dumb, but how they pull it off is equally stupid.

At this point Diana is losing her abilities because of the wish she made. So in this weakened state, she is able to call on a power that she has never successfully managed to pull off, except with a coffee cup.

But now that she is considerably weaker, she is able to turn a whole jet invisible. What?

The cherry on top though was when Steve didn’t know what fireworks where. What’s that?!

But to be fair, he also seemed pretty amazed by a trashcan and a subway train.

Can this review just be all eyeroll emotes?

Now in Cairo… which I’m not sure is even possible with a jet like this, but whatever.

We finally get Wonder Woman doing something, hurray!

Max grants the oil prince his wish, taking his guards as payment.

Wonder Woman catches up to them and tries to get answers or stop Max Lord, it’s unclear their motivations too at this point.

I guess all they wanted was the wishing stone, not realizing he is the wishing stone.

Meanwhile, back in DC, Barbra is doing some investigating on her own, tracking down some yoga instructor who I guess knows what the stone relic is.

Steve and Diana literally teleport from Cairo back to DC with no explanation. Did they fly back? The way it’s edited, it almost seemed like they talked on the phone one minute then the next they are there to meet Barbra.

And they are aware of this since the line Barbra has for them is something along the lines of, that was fast!

No shit.

They learn that the only way to reverse the wishes is to… just recant them? Really? That’s it? But everyone has to recant.

Diana doesn’t want to do that as it would mean Steve dying again. Barbra doesn’t want that either as it would be giving up her newfound cool.

So instead they decide to just go after Max Lord, hoping to figure it out along the way.

Now Max is taking a meeting with the president who wishes for more nukes, which in turn makes the Russians very nervous.

While in the oval office, Max sees the top secret satellite project they have in the works, just out on display for everyone to see.

I honestly have no idea how they explained this, but it’s like a linking cluster of satellites that… touches technology? The keyword being touching, thinking he can now reach everyone in the world with this wishes.

Yeah, it’s dumb but just wait until you actually see how it works.

A beam of blue light which I guess are radio waves maybe? I have no idea, but he steps in it transmitting to the world.

I’m skipping way too much stupid stuff here, there’s like a massive list of things that I haven’t even gotten into yet.

But much like Max Lord, this review is draining me.

The city is in shambles because everyone is getting wishes and paying the price.

Diana comes to the realization that she must give up Steve once again, recanting her wish.

Now she has her powers back, using her whip to fly her around, even learning to fly, remembering some advice Steve gave her on their jet date to Cairo.

But her destination is just her apartment to grab some gold armor. She must have been zipping around across several states, when she only needed to go like a block down the street.

Barbra is now on Max’s side, wanting to keep her power. She asks him for another wish, becoming an apex predator.

Which I guess is a cheetah.

We are officially in the third act now and boy howdy is it a mess.

I mentioned the satellites, Max takes over the top secret facility and broadcasts himself over the world, promising wishes.

But… how is he hearing them? Is that what the blue beam is for? When in doubt just dismiss it with a beam of blue light, like in every superhero movie ever.

The world is now getting their wishes granted, with Max taking their life force to counteract the fact granting wishes are killing him.

Wonder Woman shows up, kicks Cheetah’s ass in a hilarious razzie awards worthy CGI battle.

Diana now confronts Max who has stepped into the magic blue beam, becoming so powerful that he can reflect Wonder Woman’s whip.

Even though she is able to lasso his leg without him knowing it… yeah. She uses the whip to show him his son who is stranded out in the apocalyptic DC, causing Max to recant his wish.

No, I think she gets everyone in the world to recant their wishes first. Everyone. In the world. With her voice and image telling them to do so.

You’d think Batman might have remembered that the first time they met. Hell, the world should have remembered that.

Long story short, the film ends very unsatisfying, with Max rushing to his son and I assume nothing happening to him for what he has done.

And I guess the same goes for Barbra as she just vanishes from the movie after that.

Then the movie ends with Diana running into the sex puppet Steve was in. You’d think they’d maybe start up a possible relationship but no. They just talk awkwardly and go their separate ways.

This movie is bad. I was able to forgive it for a few things, but after awhile everything just starts to pile up.

If I was a bigger Wonder Woman fan, I’m sure I wouldn’t be as forgiving. I still can’t say to rent this, but I don’t know if a skip is deserved either.

It kind of falls in between, like any good bad movie.

It’s a mild SKIP.

Last review of the year!

Oh boy what a year it has been.

Next time you see me, I’ll be back with my Best & Worst List for 2020!

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