(Courtesy of our very own Captain Peachfuzz.)

10. White Noise – The biggest issue I had with this film was no one talks like normal people. They all talk like they’re acting; nothing feels natural or organic. Everything is spoken like someone wrote it for them and they’re just reading it. Not like what they are saying is all that important, as this feels so without a plot it’s ridiculous, it makes The Happening seem like a masterpiece. There’s also this obsession with a supermarket that I wasn’t fully getting. Not to mention this really strange moment where they compare Hitler to Elvis or Elvis to Hitler. The whole film just screams pretentious bullshit. There’s weird and quirky and then there’s arty farty bullshit. This is arty farty bullshit.

9. They/Them – I will say that Kevin Bacon is actually trying in this. He’s good, but man is that one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Ironically, the film doesn’t seem to know what it wants to be. At first it wants to be a slasher like Scream. But then it forgets that premise and wants to be a rip off of Get Out. It’s sad just how bad everyone is in this aside from Kevin Bacon. If I had to guess from the acting most of the cast weren’t real actors but I see most of them have other things besides this on their IMDB page. Too bad actors can’t have their names removed like directors can because wow Kevin Bacon, this is just sad.

8. Elvis – It is crazy how many awards this thing keeps getting nominated for. It’s almost like no one has actually seen it. It’s terrible. Tom Hanks is laughable in this, like Razzie levels of bad. The music is also bad, as it’s like been modernized. The only thing it really does is show how kind of talent less Elvis was, as nothing he ever sang was anything he ever wrote. He mostly took black performers music and made it consumable for white audiences. I hated this movie.

7. Don’t Worry Darling – This movie is so heavy handed it hurts. The message is crammed down your throat, it is anything but subtle. Not to mention it is really idiotic. I don’t care about spoilers for this shit, so men put their ladies in a VR world without them knowing, so they can act as perfect 1950’s perfect housewives for them. Because men bad. The way they’re being kept in this VR world is by this tiny eye visor that looks ridiculous. They clearly didn’t think this through too well, as the way they keep them alive, isn’t through IV or anything but just maybe a little water on a rag. And seeing as the twist is what it is, other things don’t seem to make sense or are never explained. Like the earth quacks. What were those about? What about that plane she saw crashing? What was that? The movie is dogshit.

6. Triangle of Sadness – Strange to think people call this a comedy. Even for a dark comedy it isn’t funny. Suffers from having a bunch of unlikable characters, this time a male model and some bimbo influencer. This movie is also 3 hours long, I think. Half the movie we spend on an island where it becomes Lord of the Flies. I was only able to stomach one episode of White Lotus, but I’d say you’re better off just watching that instead. Basically, the same thing.

5. Bodies Bodies Bodies – This was about what I expected. Unlikable characters who you want to see dead, with cringy dialogue written by Twitter. It’s not really all that violent, with very little gore. I couldn’t really care less about anything that was happening in it and then the ending showing you all that happened was pointless. Does the film know it’s filled with terrible characters saying terrible cringy things? Was that the point? We’ll never know. Also, the music, oh boy is it bad. Maybe the worst soundtrack I’ve ever had the displeasure to sit through. At one point I had to just mute it. But really, I should have just turned the whole movie off.

4. Jurassic World Dominion – To be fair, I haven’t liked a single one of these new Jurassic Park sequels. But this is hands down the worst one. They had this setup from the last film promising dinosaurs in the wild, but we don’t get that. Instead, we get a plot about giant locus. I don’t care about any of these new characters, I can’t remember any of their names. They introduce more new characters who are even more forgettable. The film as a whole is bloated and just a giant mess to piece together. We have two separate movies going on at the same time, none of which are interesting. I’m not even sure they resolved anything in the end. I also fell asleep in the theater while watching it, so my memory of the last act is a bit hazy. But I dare anyone to actually remember plot details about this forgettable movie.

3. Jeepers Creepers Reborn – The only good thing I can really say about this movie is at least Victor Salva had nothing to do with it. I can’t believe this was shown in theaters, it’s extremely cheap looking, with a majority of the outside shots filmed on a greenscreen. And it is not convincing greenscreen whatsoever. The film is so cheap, they can’t even afford the Jeepers Creeper song, so they use this really bad rip off that sorta sounds like it. But not really. The Creeper didn’t look too bad, as it was practical makeup, and some of the gore wasn’t too bad, but man, the acting and the plot are just ridiculously bad. Something to do involving Horror Hound, which I think sponsored the film and this cult that worships The Creeper. It’s dumb, just an awful movie, don’t see it.

2. Mack & Rita – This movie is atrocious. Where to even start, so basically it rips off Big. Almost beat for beat. You basically already know everything that’s going to happen, because you’ve already seen it before if you’re familiar with the plot of Big. Speaking of Big, in it the story was a young kid wanted to be a grown up and was turned into one. For some reason Mack & Rita takes that idea and thought it would be fun to have a 30 year old woman wish for the exact same thing, to become an old woman. Yup, the plot is a lady wants to be like the old bitties she sees with one foot in the grave and thinks yeah, I wanna be like them. All because she has this inner old lady that must come out and her hip annoying friends won’t let her. That’s another thing, her friends. They’re awful. Every single one of them are just annoying shits. Her supposed BFF is no different. She’ll act as our Billy character. She’s getting married, yet we never actually see who or what she’s even marrying. It isn’t that important to the plot, but I feel we should at least be introduced to them. The whole 3rd act breakup is centered around Rita, her old person persona, not being able to make it to her wedding because she’s now an Instagram hit. And like Big, Rita has a love interest, but instead of an older woman, it’s a younger guy. But she acts like his mom for most of their interactions. So, they still managed to make it creepy. The movie is also filled with filler scenes. Long extended montages that I’m assuming they think are funny? Montage of her trying on old lady clothes, montage of her high, montage of her trying to do yoga. It’s painful to sit through.

1. Skinamarink – I feel bad even calling this a movie. If I had to guess and this is just wild speculation on my part, I think the filmmakers, god I feel bad even calling them filmmakers, leaked the film online. The publicity seemed to work as it got the film picked up by Shudder and even shown in theaters. Those poor saps that paid money to see this are going to demand their money back. Or they’ll just trick themselves they liked it like most “arthouse” crap like this that people see. There is no story, so we can skip that and focus on everything else that’s wrong with it. A lot of the arguments I hear about pirating movies is it takes away from what the indie filmmakers took to make it. But I assure you, they spent nothing to make this. This was most likely filmed using a smartphone that that already owned. They slapped a film grain filter over it which comes free with any editing software. They used free to use sound effects, royalty free music and audio you can also find for free. They even used a stock blood smear which you can find just by googling it. I know because I’ve used the same one many times for my own shitty short films. And actors, most likely they used their own kids, which I’m sure took all of a day to maybe film. So what exactly did they pay for in this film? A lot of the time the camera is pointed either at the carpet or the hallway walls, usually lingering on night lights which might be the film’s only source of light. I guarantee that you could recreate this yourself. Just grab your phone, turn off the lights and crawl around on the carpet filming the hallway.

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