I had a plan for my top 10 list this year, but that plan fell apart, mostly because it relied on how bad Cats really was. The issue with that however, is I’d have to see Cats. Yes I have a cat and yes I own 3 or more cat shirts, but still I wasn’t about to face the embarrassment of having to see this alone. So I held off until maybe I could get a screener copy, but that would mean the producers thought this was worthy of one and sent screeners out in the first place.
Thankfully, that never happened, or at least I was never able to get my hands on a copy. So my original plan was to leave my number one pick empty and then if Cats was as bad as they all say, I was going to do a full review on it, like my infamous Jem and the Holograms review.
But as time went on, a screener for a film I did want to review came out, so I scrapped that idea and here it is, my top 10 worst films of 2019. Now obviously there were more than 10 top terrible movies. In fact, this could most likely be a top 100 list, but for your benefit and for my sanity, what little is left, I’m limiting it to only 10.
TOP 10 WORST FILMS OF 2019
10. Sextuplets – This was pretty much a given to make my worst list, as right from the start you know it’s going to be bad. If you don’t know, this is a Netflix original film with Marlon Wayans playing a majority of the roles. It’s about as funny as you’d think it would be, gardening in zero laughs. This was one I did a full review on, so if you want my complete unabridged thoughts, read that review.
9. Drunk Parents – Hands down the worst comedy I have ever seen. Well, it was when I first started making this list, all the way back in the start of 2019. And trust me, 2019 had a ton of really bad comedies. But this one really stands out. It’s been a whole year since I first saw it, so why it stands out is a mystery to me now. Like some horrible memory I’m trying my best to block out. All I can tell you is all the jokes completely miss their mark. This isn’t even in the same realm of funny. Alec Baldwin and Salma Hayek have ZERO chemistry together. None! I’ve never seen a pair so terribly cast in this. Stay far away from this garbage, it’s unbelievably bad.
8. The Dead Don’t Die – One of my favorite films by Jim Jarmusch was Dead Man. Hell, I really enjoyed Paterson as well, another film with Adam Driver in it. But man, I have no idea what he was going for with this shitfest of a film. I love the idea of Jim Jarmusch doing a horror zombie movie. However this is the worst case scenario, where it’s full on Jim Jarmusch at his most… let’s say annoying. The characters are all self-aware at times, knowing they are in a movie, commenting on the soundtrack and even the script. The acting is purposely stale and awkward, and the writing is all over the place with social commentary that is also all over the place. Oh and the ending, hands down this film has the worst ending of any film listed on here. Rule of thumb, if you end your film with a random out of place UFO landing, and abduction, your film sucks.
7. Frozen 2 – As a fan of the first film, this had a lot to live up to. However it fell short by a mile. This felt less like a sequel and more like a cash in. They had one song, that wasn’t even good to begin with and blasted it on repeat at least 3 or 4 times throughout the movie. Like La La Land, they figure if they keep repeating the song, just maybe it will fool you into thinking it’s good, therefore maybe tricking you into thinking the movie is good as well. This time around we have bad music but also a lack of any plot or story. It’s kind of a nothing movie without any antagonist this time around. It’s also filled with plot holes. We never really learn what happened to their parents, we don’t learn what the element wisps are or why they froze time in a bubble. Why was she called there only to be frozen? They did give Elsa a female love interest, but it’s so lowkey that you could easily dismiss it, but those looking for it will see it. In other words they’re queerbaiting. There are other worse animated movies that came out in 2019, sure, but none of them were sequels to one of the biggest animated films in Disney history. So for a lackluster sequel, Frozen 2 gets a place on this list.
6. Another Cinema Snob Movie – You might be asking yourself, what is this and why is it on your list? Welcome to the world of online film reviewers. And sometimes they make movies, in this case, it’s for the Cinema Snob, which I am a fan. I would constantly bring up the terrible but fun Sleep Away Camp films and a buddy of mine told me to check out the Snob’s reviews of them. After that I was hooked, diving in deep into movie review shows alike. But the Snob was my first, so I’ve stuck with him for several years now, getting every movie he ends up releasing. This one was a sequel to their at the time highest budgeted film, the sequel now taking its place. As much as I want to support Brad Jones, the Snob himself, I still can’t dismiss shitty filmmaking. And since they hyped this film so much, even calling it the best thing they’ve ever done, I feel like it needs to be on this list, as this is absolutely terrible. The issues arise when you look at two key factors, the direction and the writing. Why movie clichés as a running gag? Shouldn’t it be sequel clichés, since this is you know a fucking sequel? They seemed to be setting up a romance between the Snob and Tamara’s character, but it’s completely dropped or forgotten about by the end. Also, did we ever get a resolution to the whole clown, cannibal, and corrupt sheriff thing? I feel like I missed where they wrapped up that part of the plot. There’s also a scene where they see a gutted girl stagger out of a barn, I guess that’s what happened, since it was filmed so poorly I couldn’t tell what was happening. They mention seeing three dead girls in a barn, yet as soon as they saw the one dead girl they ran back inside the house to tell everyone. Clearly Brad had more in the script than what they shot but they just left the dialogue in that now no longer makes sense. And what was with the random guy who keeps racing them? Why was that in the movie? It served zero point other than by the end he gives them money. Then the Lloyd Kaufman stuff happened. What was the point of his scene again? And why did they feel it had to go on for so long? Actually, what was the point of the whole film? The plot is Snob makes a bad movie and to save their careers they have to sell that bad movie at a comic con, and ask the Snob’s tv producer dad to give them jobs? What? Yeah, this was bad.
5. Last Christmas – I had to double check to make sure Nicholas Sparks didn’t write this, as this shares not one but two of his shitty plot twists. To talk about how bad this film is, I’ll have to get into spoilers, so if you planned on seeing this one, actually no, this film is terrible, don’t plan on seeing it. So I guessed the twist almost instantly. It was clear from the start that the guy she was interested in wasn’t actually there. But then I remembered hearing she had a heart transplant in a review. So instantly I put the pieces together. Hell, they even make sure you really get it by hammering in that George Michael Last Christmas song. I gave you my heart. So clearly it is revealed she has his heart and she’s been talking to his ghost this whole time.
4. Jay and Silent Bob Reboot – Has Kevin Smith always been this bad? It’s something I was deeply contemplating throughout a majority of watching this film. I remember how bad Yoga Hosers was, but maybe it was just a fluke, this small case of nepotism, giving his daughter her own movie, just cause, maybe that was the reason that film was so bad. But then I remember the fact Kevin Smith play tiny sausage nazi creatures and the only one to really blame is Kevin Smith himself. Once again, he seems to have made a film starring his daughter. She isn’t terrible, but in no way is she good either. This movie felt so tiring. Like it was made for fans of Clerks, but all those people are either in their late 30’s or 40’s now and in no way still have the same sense of humor they had at like 12 when they watched this and Mall Rats. Yet, Kevin Smith fails to grow whatsoever, in a film about growing up. The jokes aren’t funny. The characters are old and tiresome, the plot is thin at best and makes no sense. The list goes on and on. This is truly one of the worst films Kevin Smith has ever made. Even the cameos don’t make sense. Like why is Matt Damon in this? He serves no purpose whatsoever other than, hey remember me from Dogma? Truly it belongs on this list.
3. Ma – Octavia Spencer is a fantastic actress with an Oscar under her belt. So please explain to me how and why she is in this? If I had to guess, I’d say she was tricked into it, possibly thinking this would be her Kathy Bates from Misery moment, which won her an Oscar. But to think this has with Oscar potential is ridiculous to begin with. The whole film felt unthought out, at times I wasn’t even sure if this was meant to be humorous or scary as this film is extremely unintentionally hilarious. Even the premise is ridiculous, as high school kids would be so desperate to find a place to drink, they’d go to some old crazy lady’s house? Not even her house, but her basement. They make it seem like this is a pretty small town they all live it, but they want you to believe she never ran into anyone from her highschool? She works as a vet assistant, I’m sure at least someone who bullied her from highschool would take their animal at least in for a checkup. Which is what happens, but under false pretenses. That’s not even getting into how lame this movie is, if it is indeed meant to be a horror film. You never see her kill her boss, her big finale at the end was to paint a black kid’s face with white paint, nice prank, Ma. Actually, maybe this whole film was a prank. Got me again, Ma.
2. The Fanatic – This was going to be my original number one pick for worst of the year, but the more I thought about it, the more I started to like this movie. Don’t get me wrong, this film is a train wreck. But goddamn is this thing entertaining. John Travolta is acting his little heart out, but his efforts are so misplaced. At times his lines felt improvised, but the director Fred Durst of the shitty rap metal band Limp Bizkit just left scenes that should have been cut in. Why? I don’t know. Ineptitude is my only guess. The film is narrated by a character that’s barely in the film, why she’s even in the movie is also a mystery. Moose, the character Travolta plays clearly has some mental handicaps. And what did we learn from Tropic Thunder? That’s right, you never go full retard. If Travolta in a public bathroom repeating the word poppycock, dressed as a bobby doesn’t have you in tears laughing, the whole sequence where he breaks into the guy he’s stalking’s house will. Even the ending is maybe the most idiotic unthought out ending I’ve ever seen. Moose kills a lady, leaves her body in the backyard of the actor he’s stalking for everyone to see. It’s been there for days, I just thought maybe the film forgot about her. It isn’t like he buries her, she’s just left out in his back lawn. As Moose gets his fingers blown off and eye stabbed out, the police show up to arrest the actor for the lady’s death. When clearly Moose’s DNA and fingers for fuck sake are still at the house. This film is so epically bad, you have to see this.
1. Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker – A terrible end to a pretty lackluster trilogy. I think even the actors were ready to call it quits, as they sleepwalk through most of their lines. Daisy Ridley in particular felt like she was checked out through most of this. To summarize what I put in my review for this film, it felt rushed and it had too many plotholes. There’s plenty more wrong with it, but if you want my full list of complaints, reading the review is your best option. At least Last Jedi had some style to it, everything feels so bland this time around and that’s not just because of the bland acting. This felt like two or more movies crammed into one, with one more needed to wrap things up, which we’ll never get. Honestly, the best thing they can do is set the new trilogy 1000 years in the future, just do a completely clean slate. New everything, new characters, new ships, new planets, new storyline which hopefully won’t have yet another Death Star. This movie was so bad, it actually made me wonder what David Benioff and D.B. Weiss would have done with their planned trilogy. It couldn’t be any worse than what we got.
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