An excerpt from my script review for Ray Gunn which will be available 9/08/14:
Want the full review? Follow this link to the Ray Gunn Script Review.
4.) Dialogue and Description
The description was good.
I was going to make a point that using the “Metropia” intro was cheating, and as writers we shouldn’t need to explain this at the beginning if we just use clever imagery when crafting our description.
BUT the authors did this too, so the beginning was just overkill.
(Personally I would leave the intro out, and let the reader imagine it in their heads as they read, rather then instructing them how to picture it on page 1.)
There were decent examples in the script, and since I can’t copy and paste I urge you to list your favorites below.
Mine was from page 31:
…Ray’s swept away in a river of high-spirited beefcake.
The dialogue really wasn’t bad either, but it wasn’t great.
Detective stories from earlier on had sharp, snappy dialogue, and it would have been nice to see it used here.
Needed more “sexy” and “flirty” especially between Ray and Venus (and Levity), not only to make it believable, but to compete with the movies it was trying to capture the spirit of.
But as this was a 5th draft, maybe that would have been added in later once the particulars were nailed down.
Page 81 – (ad libbed muttering)
Just spell out what the characters say or use a line of description:
Even muttering can’t cover up their embarrassment.
Page 105 – There’s a few examples like this in the script, where something is stated in the description, and then an exact line describing it given by a character.
Roof sticks with a whine.
Leave this stuff out.
And be sure to check out our Notes Service, where I give my detailed thoughts and suggestions on your script.