Week two is ready for you!
Don’t forget, each week I’ll give a quick rundown of what I watched and thought of them, usually on Sunday is when I post those. But if you don’t want to wait a week, I’ll also be posting my thoughts in tweet form over at: https://x.com/CPeachfuzz
(And check out Week One.)
Azrael: This is one hell of a little movie and as of right now, the goriest goddamn thing I’ve seen this month. It’s a dialogue free, insane gorefest, written and directed by a couple of really talented filmmakers. It was written by the guy who did The Guest, You’re Next and directed by the guy who did this great film called Cheap Thrills and a Netflix movie called Small Crimes. The plot is a bit vague, as you have to piece things together yourself. From what I gathered, it has been the apocalypse, with “things” roaming the earth, thirsty for blood. And among this a community has risen that has forgone speech. If I had to guess our lead was a member of this community before taking off with her boyfriend who gets them caught and punished by the others in the group. They try to sacrifice her to these burnt blood thirsty creatures, but she somehow manages to get away and the whole film is just her trying to get her boyfriend back, running from the cult and trying to stay away from the burnt creatures. When these things get a hold of you, they pull you apart. It’s nasty and graphic. Our lead is also pretty much a bad ass as well. Once she sets her sights on something, nothing can really stop her, especially towards the end when all hell breaks loose. SEE IT!
Spin the Bottle: I kind of knew going into this that it wasn’t going to be good. But I had hoped that maybe at least the kills would be interesting and hell, Justin Long is in it, so maybe it will have some comedic parts. I was wrong on all accounts. I’m not even sure what this was rated. It felt like a weak PG-13, as characters would forgo swear words, in place of “frick”. The main distraction for me though, it wasn’t the 90’s show Goosebumps type bad VFX or bad acting, but this one actress who made everyone else in the cast look like frumpy uggos. I’m referring to the actress Angela Halili. The fascinating thing about her, aside from being mesmerizing, turns out she’s a big time Jesus freak. Past Chris Pratt and at Mel Gibson levels of crazy religious. It’s always the hot ones. Anyway, movie sucked, the whole spin the bottle aspect was so goddamn lame, it made that Ouija movie seem like a horror masterpiece. SKIP!
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice: Big fan of the original. I grew up watching it, even if it had scenes I didn’t understand yet (Beetlejuice makes so many sexual references in that movie that went over my head) or scared the crap out of me. The practical effects in the original were so creepy. Truly this was Tim Burton in his prime. Now after doing so many terrible sellout Disney movies, Tim Burton is back to what made him a famous director in the first place. So, I loved this sequel. I was pretty meh on the trailers, but it seemed to have some of the charm that not only the first film had, but also the spark Tim Burton used to have as well. And it’s great. It isn’t without some issues, as this is only maybe an hour and 40 minutes, but they cram what seems to be two or three different sequel ideas into this. Two of them worked, but the third seemed pointless, the plot of Beetlejuice’s ex-wife coming back to life to get her revenge because he killed her on their wedding night, went nowhere and ended so abruptly. She doesn’t really do much aside from walk around, ask where Beetlejuice is and then sucks their souls out. The more compelling plotline had to do with a now grownup Lydia’s daughter and the trouble she gets herself into after their grandfather dies tragically. Clearly there weren’t bringing that actor back, so they just had his upper torso bit off by a shark. With him and a few other gory things, this movie is really pushing an R rating. Everyone is great in this, and damn it, I think Beetlejuice and Lydia should be together. He genuinely helps her out in the end with her agreeing to marry him, but her daughter finds a loophole and banishes him. No! Just let them be together, you bitch! Another funny gag comes from Willem Dafoe’s character who was an actor who played detectives for movies, and in the afterlife is now a detective, still playing the part. His character is useless, however it’s a very funny role. And I can’t help but to maybe see it as a dig at Alec Baldwin since this actor character died because of an onset accident involving a live grenade. Aside from the bloated plot, they did everything else right. Amazing practical effects, even mixing in old school stopmotion claymation like the original had. SEE IT!
Hellboy: The Crooked Man: Much like the trailer for the Minecraft movie, when I saw the trailer for this straight to video Hellboy movie, I didn’t think it was real. It looked just like a fan film. But one of those well-done fan film like that Predator Dark Ages. But no, this was legit. It looked bad, but I was really curious just how bad. Turns out, not that bad. I guess this is based off an early Hellboy comic, which is funny since the worst thing about this movie is the plot. Dealing this time around with witches. The movie starts out strong with great practical effects and gore that really earns that R rating. The actor playing Hellboy wasn’t bad either, giving us his best Ron Pearlman impression. Really the fault is the weak story, which starts to drag when we hit the second and third act. I really wouldn’t mind more straight to video Hellboy movies if they stay at this quality, just maybe next time pick a better story to adapt. RENT.
Never Let Go: Is she crazy or is there really something out in the woods? I hate movies like this. There’s even one on Hulu I haven’t gotten around to seeing yet called Hold Your Breath. God, these movies could be bookends. If I had more time last night, I should have done a double feature. This movie was okay, I won’t spoil it, but it didn’t do the whole crazy lady turns out to just be crazy thing these types of movies do, so add a point for that. I just found the movie kind of boring. It has one good scare at the very beginning and that’s pretty much it. If you’ve watched the trailer and it looks like something you might dig, you’ll probably like it. So, I give it a RENT.
The next two movies aren’t horror films, but I didn’t know that going into them. However I enjoyed them, so I figured I’d give them a quick shout out.
Caddo Lake: Best M. Night Shyamalan movie that isn’t actually a M. Night Shyamalan movie. He did produce it, but man, it’s sure better than the last movie he made Trap. I really didn’t know much about this movie going into it. From the trailer and since it was releasing in October on MAX, I just assumed sci-fi horror. I was right about the sci-fi part. This is a time travel movie and I’m a giant sucker for anything time travel. This I thought was super clever with a few twists I didn’t figure out. SEE IT!
It’s What’s Inside: This was a Netflix movie that came out the same time as Platform 2, so it got kind of overlooked, but the trailer was fun, like a sci-fi take on Bodies Bodies Bodies, hopefully with less obnoxious characters. I thought this movie had a fun style, was creative with flashbacks and all around just a clever slightly comedic thriller. This might be this director’s first feature and given what we got here, I hope he has many more, this was some good stuff. Characters do however end up making really stupid choices. And the ending felt a bit too vindictive and unjust. If not for that, my rating might be higher but as it stands, I give this a RENT.
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