Slayers – Let this be a warning to you, if you start a movie and see 10 different production companies that produced it pop up on the screen, just turn the movie off immediately. They’re easy to spot as the first 5 minutes before the opening credits even start, you’re hit with their logo animations. Aside from that, this movie is absolutely dreadful. Our main characters are a group of obnoxious influencers. And you’re stuck with them for pretty much the whole movie. I’m not even sure the film knows you’re meant to hate them or that you do. I wasn’t even sure if this was meant to be a comedy or not, as the opening credits are so poorly designed it was like a kid made it, showing vampires through history. It looked laughable. This is a SKIP IT!
The Retaliators – The plot is a mess, as like 4 different things are going on at once. You got a pastor and his family, his daughter getting killed by this psycho who just made a drug deal, the biker gang he did the deal for and mixed in with that, we get a crazy detective doing a People Under the Stairs, kidnapping killers and turning them into even crazier killer zombies. And of course, we then need to get crazy detective’s backstory, so mixed in with everything else we also get a flashback. The soundtrack is absolutely terrible, as I’m pretty sure it is nothing but Christian metal music? It sounded like it was trying to be music, but really wasn’t like what all Christian rock music sounds like. Like a bad imitation. Or it was just bad metal. The film wasn’t all bad, the third act was fun, as our idiot main character for some reason releases all these crazy killers and they run amok, so he then has to murder them all. That last half was great, everything else sucked. I’ll give it a RENT IT.
Piggy – The English dubbing is terrible. The translation at times just didn’t translate well, so they end up talking like aliens. It has an interesting premise; a young heavy-set girl is picked on and catches the eye of a serial killer who hates bullies. She witnesses him kidnap the girls who were bullying her and let’s it happen, not telling anyone. The two form a strange romantic relationship, the problem is it’s kind of boring. Nothing really happens after the kidnapping, not until the very end and even that is a letdown. SKIP IT
Barbarian – Next to Terrifier 2, this was probably the film I was most excited to see. The trailer doesn’t tell you much about what the film is about, two strangers end up renting the same place. And creepy things happen after that. Max Landis did however give a bit of a spoiler, comparing it to another movie. Let’s just say, this isn’t the only film with this kind of plot on this list. Retaliators. I did enjoy this one, but maybe not as much as I had hoped. Richard Brake is in it, so instantly I give it another bump in the score, so I’ll give this one a SEE IT.
Pearl – We are once again back with Pearl before she became a creepy old prune and looked identical to a hot pornstar she meets like 60 years later. I didn’t enjoy this prequel to X as much as I hoped I would. It’s pretty tame by comparison. But this is more of a character study of sorts, so it makes sense the pacing is a bit slow. It did have some fun scenes, like this decaying roast pig left out on the porch for example. Pearl was also hard to get a handle on, as she acts and is treated like a little kid, but she’s married, so clearly, she’s an adult. I’d give this one a RENT.
Skinamarink – This is not a movie. It’s not really anything. They took a smartphone, recorded the carpet for an hour and 40 minutes, while tossing a fake film grain filter over it, mixing it with free to use foley effects. You could literally make this yourself. I watched it out of curiosity, after 15 minutes into it I regretted it. Skip 15 minutes, shot of carpet. Skip another 15 minutes, a still of a wall nightlight. Skip Another 15 minutes back to the carpet again. Skip another 15 minutes, still shot of a door. Skip some more, the carpet again. It’s that for over 90 minutes. I’ve watched a few bad movies this month, but at least I can call them movies. This gets the rare, coveted score of AVOID AT ALL COSTS!
The Viewing – This was an episode that’s a part of Guillermo del Toro’s series Cabinet of Curiosities. The reason I’m highlighting this particular episode is because it was written and directed by Panos Cosmatos, the acclaimed director of Mandy, the film I’m still obsessed with after all these years. The story for this episode is pretty simple. Weak story aside, his talented fingerprints as a director are still all over this as this is probably the best-looking episode in the whole series. The story goes as follows, a richer than rich man played by RoboCop himself, Peter Weller. He is a collector or all things and has assembled a group of people to view one of his items. In this group, a musician, a scientist, a novelist and a psychic. The thing he wishes to share with them is a rock of unknown origin. But something is inside that gets released, murdering half the group. It’s pretty gory and fun once the monster is released, but before then it is just characters sitting around in a cool 70’s style room, listening to synth music. But if you’re a fan of this director, it’s a must see. So SEE IT!
The Lair – Oh Neil Marshall, what has become of you? Everyone wants a sequel to Dog Soldiers, but after seeing this, maybe it’s best you have nothing to do with it. There isn’t a ton of dialogue at the start of the film, with our lead remaining pretty silent throughout. Then she gets rescued, and she opens her mouth. Along with everyone else as well and it is bad. The dialogue is laughable. The acting is terrible, and a good majority of the CGI is pretty bad as well. It’s spotty at best. There’s not a ton to this story, jet pilot gets shot down in Afghanistan, where she is pursued by the Taliban to this underground bunker where the soviets have been experimenting with an alien lifeform they found, creating monsters that attack at night. It sounds more fun than it actually is. By the 3rd act I was completely checked out. But if you’re looking for something mindless and generic, it gets a RENT.
Run Sweetheart Run – It didn’t have the more original plot, you’ve kind of seen this before. They do try to do something different with it, which I won’t spoil. However, it does do a few things that annoyed me. I was worried at first that they’d never show anything, as the film goes out of its way to turn away whenever any violence happens. Not just turn away, but wall breaking, as a character will physically move the camera away so we can’t see what happens. They do eventually correct this by finally giving us something to see. Another issue is the film is very preachy. It felt like I was watching that super shitty 2019 Black Christmas remake. I’ll rate this one a RENT.
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