It’s that time of year again! I’m of course referring to HORROR MONTH! A whole month where I watch noting but horror movies, review horror movies and… I guess that’s about it. Like last year, each week I will list every movie I saw for that week and give my thoughts on them. I have some holdouts from last year that I hope to get to this year, but no promises!
FIRST WEEK OF HORROR MONTH
Doom: Annihilation – A sequel… reboot… I’m not sure. The only thing I am sure of is that this movie is a piece of shit. Our lead is this tiny slender lady who has a butter face. It’s also hilarious to watch her wield these large guns because she’s so small and skinny, it just comes off as comical than instead of badass which is what they were intending. It gets especially funny once she gets ahold of the BFG. The gun is bigger than she is, and seeing her try to aim it looks so stupid. The film also looks cheap, like this was a SYFY original. SKIP IT
Itsy Bitsy – I liked that the spiders were mostly practical. But the acting and writing in this was pretty bad all around. Especially with the kid characters. This also gets a SKIP IT
The Furies – Fucking awesome movie, I can’t recommend this one enough. Super clever premise, really fun slasher designs, fantastic gore and SFX. SEE IT
Annabelle Comes Home – Ever want to see a horror film with no consequences for your actions? Like nothing happens in this. No one dies, no one even gets hurt. Just a bunch of loud jump scares. SKIP IT
Polaroid – By the director of the new Child’s Play film, a movie I thought was pretty decent. And I enjoyed this one as well. Very Japanese horror filmy. But the PG-13 rating really hurt it in places, so much so I wasn’t even sure how some characters died. RENT IT
Satanic Panic – Hank reviewed the script for this one, I can’t say he enjoyed it, but I really did. Good gore, likable lead, a fun watch. RENT IT
Candy Corn – Had a great vibe, had a very original Halloween feel to it. However, this was just too lame to really do anything for me. The kills were so pathetic I quickly lost interest and found myself dozing off. But, the lead actor from Greasy Strangler was briefly in this, so there’s that I guess. SKIP IT
Purgatory Road – Not as bad as I thought it would be. Kind of cheesy and over the top, the acting isn’t the best but I didn’t hate it. Might be worth checking out on Amazon Prime if you have it. RENT IT
Me and My Mates vs the Zombie Apocalypse – I’m a giant aussie horror fan, however this one was maybe a bit too aussie for my liking. I mostly just wanted to see this because Jim Jefferies was in it. But even with him, the humor in this was bad. It did however have some interesting kills and gore, so maybe this might be a RENT IT.
Bloodline – Heard good things about this one, was very pleased by the end. It takes a few turns, making you wonder just where the hell this is going. But by the end I enjoyed the ride. Some pretty graphic kills, a lot of throat slicing. Think Dexter meets Bates Motel. RENT IT
Dead House – A film I found on Hulu while scrolling the other night. The trailer looked cool, so I gave it a shot. Plus it was only an hour and 12 minutes or something ridiculous like that. Now I wish I had that hour and 12 minutes back, as this movie is a piece of shit. The writing is terrible and the acting is even worse. It was also hard to nail down the accents, as at times they seemed British, but other times they sounded like Italians pretending to be British. Which wouldn’t be too out of the question here as we get really bad American accents at the end. Aside from the bad writing and acting, the plot is dumb as hell. Characters would change in a dime, I’m good now, nope now I’m bad, and do shit that’s completely out of character. Just a terrible film. SKIP IT
Wrinkles the Clown – A kind of sort of horror documentary. I was really enjoying it, until the twist comes in about midway. The twist being all that we’ve seen thus far was complete bullshit. It seemed like they were lacking in in content to showcase, which shows in the short runtime, and most of that is filler, with junk interviews with kids that are completely unrelated to Wrinkles other than they called him once. SKIP IT
In the Tall Grass – Another Netflix Stephen King original. This wasn’t as good as 1922, but it wasn’t bad. It just lost my focus a bit towards the end, as a lot of times the movie is just people calling out for help while walking through tall weeds that all look the same. The plot was oddly confusing and had some logic holes but that happens when you feature any kind of time distortion in your storyline. RENT IT
Feral – I knew this was going to be bad the moment the characters opened their mouths. They’re all unlikable assholes that I care nothing about. Kill them all for all I care. SKIP IT
A.M.I. – One of many killer iphone movies either out or coming out soon. Though here it didn’t seem like the phone had much importance as the main character was crazy long before she found the phone. I’m not sure what the phone’s purpose really was aside from assist her and glow red suddenly. SKIP IT
Rabid – The remake of the 70’s Cronenberg film. I had thought I’d seen the original but it turns out I haven’t. I must have confused it with Shivers maybe. Now having seen the remake, I’m not sure I have much interest in it now. This film sucks. It’s by the Soska sisters, twin sisters that make horror movies, all about on this level. I am a fan but they’re at their best when they are making shlock. SKIP IT
Emelie – This was on my list to watch a few horror months ago, but I never got around to it. It’s pretty good, though the ending is very anticlimactic. RENT IT
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