Right out of the gate with this one, super guys and super gals. I’m not even going to try and side talk my way around some things that go down in this, so you’ve been warned.
If you’ve been following these films for the last 10 years like I have, you’re going to go see this regardless what I say. For 10 years this is what they’ve been building up to.
My showing was a mad house. The only other time I went to a film this packed was for Matrix Reloaded.
I had to come back 45 minutes later for my screening, the time I went to originally was all sold out. The only good thing about being 45 minutes early for a film is it gives you an advantage over picking out your seat. I can’t stand assigned seating, so I avoid theaters that do it.
Since I hate people and don’t want to sit next to them, I got to claim my go-to seat, the handicap seats where there’s only one seat and no one can sit next to you. It was funny seeing people piling in, looking for seating, having to give up and sit up at the dreaded front rows, where your neck goes to die, one kid yelling holy macaroni when seeing the large audience.
So this is the portion of the review where I bitch and complain about my theater going experience. Quentin Tarantino can jizz in his pants all he wants romanticizing the theater going experience, they’re horrible. I hate having to go to the theater, which is why I’m a strong proponent of what Netflix has been doing. Why go see Avengers when you can stay at home and watch the new Adam Sandler film The Week Of?
This review is also dedicated to the asshole that brought his infant newborn baby to a two and a half hour movie, thinking it would be a good idea. But I really wanted to see Infinity War! Then you find a fucking babysitter, you don’t bring your crying poop machine into a crowded theater.
They have rules about talking on your cellphone, why not for bringing your damn baby? I’d much rather have to deal with some dickhead talking on his phone. You can just get up and find a different seat or yell at him to shut the fuck up. You tell a baby to shut the fuck up and instantly you’re the bad guy. Maybe theaters should be more like uptight Europeans where even clapping at a theater is looked down on. Seeing a comedy in Europe must be painful, as even laughing is a faux pas.
That’s still better than what I had to deal with, I haven’t even mentioned the sick guy who decided to spit loogies into a fucking trashcan next to me for the last 10 minutes of the film.
It all might actually be worth it however, just to see all the kids in my showing lose their shit. Everyone was pissed during the ending of this film. Watching little kids just get devastated was fucking hilarious. I focused on this little boy… that sounds wrong… whatever, I’m going with it. I kept my eye on this one kid in front of me, he was so excited when Black Panther showed up, jumping and cheering… So when Black Panther dies in the end, this kid is shaken, hands over his face, constantly looking over to his dad, mouth agape with shock, not sure what was happening.
Every kid in the theater was just destroyed. They went there to see all the heroes they literally grew up with and they had to sit there and watch them all die horrible deaths. It was kind of amazing, if you’re an asshole like me that is.
Another annoyance was this person in the theater that sounded like they were uncontrollably sobbing. But you’d hear it during moments where you wouldn’t hear any sane person reacting that way, so I don’t know what the fuck was going on. It was like they got a txt before shutting their phone off that a relative just died, but they didn’t want to leave the theatre, so they just sat there sobbing for 2 and half hours.
To get myself psyched up for Infinity War, I rewatched a few of the films. Mainly the ones I could stream, which aren’t that many surprisingly.
Netflix has Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Civil War and Doctor Strange but that is it. I started with Civil War, Spider-Man, ideally I guess then Black Panther would be next, though the more I think about it, a Black Panther film was completely unnecessary. We saw him in Civil War, not sure we needed more than that. Anyway, after Black Panther, it’s Guardians and finally Thor Ragnarok. You need to do it in this order because Infinity War picks up right where that film left off.
It actually kind of reminded me of Alien 3. After Aliens, Ripley managed to get off the planet safely with Newt, Hicks and Bishop and it leaves you with somewhat of a happy ending. Then in Alien 3 you learn that Newt and Hicks are dead and Bishop is in the trash heap. Same thing with Thor. Thor makes it off a destroyed planet with the last of his people, only running into Thanos’ ship at the end. Then we pick right back up and everyone on the ship is dead. Everyone from Ragnarok including Valkyrie and Korg, dead. Loki? Neck snapped. Heimdall, Idris Elba character? Dead.
The only ones somewhat alive are Thor and Hulk, Hulk by the way gets the shit beat of him by Thanos. I like that Hulk is so defeated by his lose that he refuses to come out again.
After murdering everyone, Thanos takes one of the infinity stones from Loki, snapping his neck. Thor is left to die on a ship set to explode. It isn’t like he makes it off in time, he blows up. He just happens to be too indestructible that even a spaceship blowing up doesn’t kill him.
Thankfully the Guardians are in the area and pick him up.
Meanwhile, back on earth, Bruce Banner has been spit out back on earth into Doctor Strange’s living room. He warns of Thanos’ arrival but the warning comes a bit too late as by the time they manage to tell Tony Stark, a couple of Thanos’ over powered henchmen arrive in New York looking to collect the time stone Doctor Strange possesses.
Tony gets to show off his new nano technology incorporated into his suit. And it’s actually a really bad ass improvement. He was arguing with Pepper Potts about the necessity of having this new tech installed on him or in him… I’m not completely sure how it works. I think in the comics he just have the nano tech in his blood, so he can call on his suit whenever he needs it. I guess that’s what he has now, either way it’s pretty cool.
I liked the meeting between Tony and Strange. I wondered how these two egomaniacs would get along, the answer, they didn’t. There’s no way these two would get along, they’re too similar.
Thanos’ buddies show up… I like that Thanos doesn’t have to be with them all the time, he sends his people out, spreads them across the universe to do his bidding because they are all just as powerful as he is. Not to mention as devoted to the mission as he is. That mission being, eradicate half the population in the whole universe, for their own good of course.
He’s been doing this himself for years without the stones, visiting planets and thinning the herd. That’s how he met Gamora, his adopted daughter. He sees himself as a savior, helping a planet with overpopulation. With the infinity gauntlet and the infinity stones he can literally snap his fingers and wipe out everything in the universe. So the stakes here are large. He already has three of the six stones.
I believe in the comic his motivation was completely different from that. From what I hear his goal to possess the stones was to make Death love him. Since they introduced Hela the goddess of death in Ragnarok, I just assumed he was fighting for her affection. But I guess not.
Thanos’ crew beats the shit out of everyone when they first arrive on earth to confront Tony Stark, Strange and Bruce. Bruce can’t call on Hulk because he’s still sulking over that ass beating Thanos gave him. So Banner is basically useless until they give him the hulkbuster suit from Age of Ultron later in the film.
During the New York fight, the psychic baddy who I believe was called Ebony Maw, manages to capture Strange, taking him alive because he can’t get the time stone off him. He secured it with a spell at the last minute. You know, this time stone, could really come in handy, too bad they never use the damn thing.
Spider-Man shows up to help out Tony, making his way to the giant donut shaped spaceship.
This is how they dealt with so many different characters, they separate them, giving them their own important mission. Much like how they did in The Last Jedi, but here it is done much better.
Thor awakes on the Guardian’s ship, wanting to head off to a planet that is designed to make powerful weapons. He takes Rocket and Groot with him as the other Guardians head back to Knowhere, the giant floating head the Collector is set up at. He has the other infinity stone if you remember from… I forget which movie, there are so many. But he has the stone that lets you shape reality.
This is actually one of the coolest scenes in the film. The Guardians show up finding the place creepily abandoned. The only people they run across are Thanos and the Collector. Thanos wants the location of the stone but the Collector refuses to hand it over.
Gamora sees her chance to strike, so she takes it, seemingly slicing Thanos’ throat. But this was all an illusion. Thanos already had the stone and everything we have seen has just been an illusion, including the Collector.
Gamora made Quill promise to kill her if she ever gets caught by Thanos because she is the only one who knows the location of the soul stone. Quill hates it but he has to kill her, but he is too late, Thanos uses the reality stone to turn his bullets into bubbles.
Because of the space stone that he got from Loki, Thanos can now teleport himself just about anywhere. So he takes Gamora with him as the Guardians try to pick themselves up off the ground.
Meanwhile back on earth, Vision is having date night with Scarlet Witch. His mind stone has been acting up lately, not knowing what the cause is.
That’s when they are attacked by Thanos’ goons, severally wounding Vision in the process. The only reason they made it out of this little incursion was because Captain America showed up with Black Widow. Okay, minor thing, how can she hold her own with these people? The last time we saw these people they were beating the shit out of Iron Man and Spider-Man, all people with abilities, Black Widow just has her wrap legs around the neck move to get her by. Ideally, she’d be the first to die.
Anyway, they show up and help the unstoppable robot superman and the magical witch, fight off the henchmen. Bruce Banner fills them in on what is going on, Thanos is after the stone in Vision’s forehead. The plan now is to remove the stone without killing Vision, but the only way to do that is some high tech laboratory. Enter Wakanda.
I really wish I could have included Black Panther in my rewatch-a-thon. I enjoyed it enough, but not nearly as much as others. Rewatching some of these movies, it didn’t change my opinion of the films but it did highlight a few more issues than I did when I first reviewed them. Take Guardians 2 for example, still really enjoyed the film, but I felt a lot of the jokes seemed out of place and the plot seemed to have too many conveniences in them. Like at least 3 or 4 times our main characters looked like this was it for them, only to be saved at the last moment. Loved the ending though of Rocket just crying. Unfortunately all of that is ruined by the 6 different endings after the end credits.
I guess the film I took the most issue with during my rewatch was Civil War, just how kind of pointless the whole battle seemed between them. Ragnarok however is still fucking amazing.
Okay, so where was I with Infinity War… Okay, let’s pick back up with Tony Stark. Him and Spider-Man have snuck onboard Ebony Maw’s ship. He is occupied with torturing Strange so he’ll let down the spell protecting the time stone around his neck.
Or so we think he is occupied as he anticipates Tony’s attack.
Thankfully, Spider-Man has a plan that he got from that really old movie Alien, not sure if you’ve ever heard of it. Anyway, their plan is to just suck him out of the ship.
The plan works but they are still stuck on this ship, headed for a desolate planet, the meeting spot for Thanos to hand him the time stone.
Before they can come up with a plan, the Guardians show up and we get a quick battle of misunderstanding between the two groups. The battle ends at a stalemate, no clear victor.
They agree to work together to try and ambush Thanos, the goal being to get the gauntlet away from him. Strange uses the time stone to see the millions of times they attempt this feat ends in failure, all but one. And I have a theory about that “one” but I’ll get into it later.
Let’s check on Thor. He’s off trying to find a weapon strong enough to kill Thanos, to find that he needs to go to a planet run by Eitri, played by a gigantic Peter Dinklage. The planet is cold and dead, the core of the planet has stopped moving. Thanos was there to make his gauntlet. Before leaving he blessed Eitri with keeping his life but took his hands so he couldn’t build again.
Hands or not, nothing can stop The Dinklage. He already has a mold ready for a powerful axe, all he needs is the lava from the still core of the planet. Thor’s mission is to get the planet moving again so Dinklage can smelt some iron to mold the axe.
And the only way to do that is to take the full force of the core, leaving it open long enough to get the mold ready. I guess the axe helps harness his powers because the only thing that can save him is if he holds the axe. Groot finally pops his head up from his damn videogame to help out, using his arm as the handle.
Now it’s Thanos killing time.
Back on Thanos’ main ship, he shows Gamora that he has Nebula and will kill her if she doesn’t reveal to him the location of the soul stone. She gives in and the two set off to a planet populated by one person, that person being Red Skull. He was transported here at the end of Captain America the First Avenger film. His curse is to look after the stone and guide those who seek it.
The only way to attain this stone however is to sacrifice the thing you love. In Thanos’ case that means Gamora. As he kills her he receives the soul stone, next stop his home planet where the time stone awaits.
Captain America takes Vision to see Black Panther’s hot sister, hoping she can remove his stone without killing him. She can but it will take time. If they weren’t on a ticking clock already, Thanos’ henchmen show up, but this time it isn’t just the three of them, they brought a whole army.
The force field protecting Wakanda holds but not if they keep attacking it in different areas of the field. The plan is to have an opening to tunnel in the advancing forces to better take them out. The plan, as dumb as it may seem, seems to be somewhat working. But more pile in than they can kill and soon our good guys are overrun.
All of this is just a distraction however as the bad guys are just waiting until Scarlet Witch leaves Vision’s side to join the battle. Once she is distracted, they sneak in, attack Black Panther’s hot sister and interrupt the removal of Vision’s Mind stone.
Back with Tony Stark and the Guardians, they have a plan, but it has a one in a million chance of working. Thanos shows up and one of the coolest battles commences. They seem to have the upper hand, using Mantis to keep Thanos’ mind in a trance. But she lets slip that Thanos is saddened by the fact he had to murder Gamora. Learning of her death sends Quill into a tailspin, ruining their one shot at getting the gauntlet off of Thanos.
The only advantage they had over him was the element of surprise, but with that now gone they don’t really stand much of a chance. At one point Thanos drops the fucking moon on Iron Man.
They all but lost the fight, Strange has to give him the time stone before Thanos murders Stark. He tells Tony this is the only way. Now my thinking is, after using the time stone to see how they could possibly win against Thanos, the only path to victory was to actually hand him over the stone, knowing that he will eventually be stopped later down the line in the next untitled Avengers film.
So Thanos now has all the stones but one. So using the space stone, he travels to earth to collect it from Vision.
Knowing they are too late, Scarlet Witch destroys the stone and Vision along with it. But Thanos has the time stone now, turning back time to the moment the stone exploded.
Thanos rips the stone from Vision, killing him instantly. Now he has the complete set.
Like the thunder god of badassness that he is, Thor shows up just in time to impale Thanos on his shiny new axe. But also being the kind of dumb badass thunder god that he is, aimed for the chest, not the head. This mistake gives Thanos the second he needs to snap his fingers, essentially killing half the people on earth and in the universe. That also includes basically the whole Guardians team aside from Rocket, and most of the Avengers. Hell, Tony painfully watches on as Peter begs for his life as he slowly starts to turn to ash.
The film ends with half our heroes disintegrating, turning to ash as Thanos finds a nice planet to rest on and watch the sunset. The End. And holy fuck did the theater react to that poorly. You almost had to stay through the credits because of that bleak ending. And I wish there wasn’t an end credit scene. The one they had could easily been inserted into the film at the end. It’s just Nick Fury paging Captain Marvel at the end, I’m guessing setting up her story.
I guess that’s the only way they can do things from now on until the next Avenger’s sequel. Everything will have to be a prequel. Captain Marvel is set in the 1980’s and Ant-Man & Wasp takes place before the events of Infinity War. What I’m more interested in is what the tv shows are going to do. They must have known this was coming, so I’m sure they have a plan, but still…
I really enjoyed this one, it gets a big SEE IT rating from me. My top ones are Guardians and Ragnorak and this is right up there with those. Thanos is a great villain, the thing the Marvel films have been lacking. Though I thought Hela from Ragnarok was the best so far. She was truly evil, unlike most of the villains that mostly just have a skewed ideology, she was just pure evil. The thing about Thanos was, he wasn’t evil, not really. In his mind he was the good guy in all this and like I mentioned, saw himself as a savior.
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