HomeMovie ReviewsThe Neon Demon - Cap'n Takes a Piss

The Neon Demon – Cap’n Takes a Piss


I think it was Chris Matthews who said this about Sarah Palin when she first got introduced to the world.

If you like this type of thing, then this is the type of thing you’ll like.

That’s The Neon Demon. If you’re really into Nicolas Winding Refn’s other films, minus Drive and Bronson, then this will make you jizz your pants.

Me, on the other hand? I thought this was a complete and utter piece of shit.

I was having a pretty good lucky streak with movies lately. I watched maybe one of the best films of the year after watching maybe the worst. That being Wiener-Dog, a vile piece of dog shit that should never be viewed by anyone. And my lucky streak was officially broken last night when I watched Neon Demon.

If you were wondering what my top picks for the worst films of the year are, look no further. And ironically, they are both films brought to us by Amazon Studios. Oh joy!

So many people waste their time sending to them because it’s free to do so. They even get really butthurt over it when they inevitably get rejected. Even turning to the forums to complain about it later. There you’ll find endless threads pondering why their masterpiece was rejected.

People are still on that site, submitting shit to them they’ve been submitting there for years now. Years! Just submitting the same fucking script over and over and over again. The definition of insanity. Doing the same fucking thing over and over again, expecting different results.

But enough about the idiots on the wasteland that is the Amazon Studios forum and talk about Neon Demon. A film that features another kind of wasteland. One with no plot, no characters, no meaning to even exist except for Refn to give us long shots of nothing. I’m pretty sure you’d have about a 30 minute movie if you just cut all the scenes that had nothing to do with anything, or trimmed up these shots that linger way too damn long on something. A scene that should be only a couple of seconds at the most, is left on screen for almost a minute. That might not seem like a whole lot, but trust me, it is. Especially if images are replacing any kind of story telling or plot development.

Nothing happens in this fucking movie. It’s so damn boring. Literally nothing happens until maybe the last few minutes of the film, and all that is mostly off camera.

Elle Fanning plays Jesse, a 16 year old who has no parents, no nothin’. She packed up one day and left for Los Angeles to become a model. And for some reason everyone is drawn to how beautiful she is.

Yes, she is very pretty. Sure I think she kind of looks like a goofball when she smiles sometimes, but there is no denying she is very pretty. But! She doesn’t look like a model. Not your typical one anyway. So everyone fawning over her seemed unrealistic.

I knew a model, well, she wanted to be a model and I guess was taking classes… yeah, that’s a thing I guess. She looked a lot like Elle Fanning, but taller. There’s actually no point in me telling this story, seeing as it doesn’t relate at all or go anywhere… she did end up getting pregnant at 16, so… She might have been incredibly pretty, but boy was she dumb as a sack of bricks.

Back to something more relevant. Jena Malone pissing on the floor.

What, you thought I’d mention her having lesbian sex with a corpse first? Well you thought wrong! Peeing on floors always takes precedence. But I am getting a head of myself.

Jesse meets Ruby at one of her photo shoots. She’s a makeup artist and creepier than the photographer that wanted to shoot her with fake blood all over her.

Ruby takes Jesse to a party to meet up with two of her friends that just happen to also be models. Veterans. One, Gigi played by Bella Heathcote, who actually does fit the definition of your typical model, has resorted to plastic surgery to stay beautiful. And also to compete with youngsters like Jesse.

The other friend… I don’t know. I wasn’t even sure if she was a model until the end when she models. She mostly stands around looking bored and pissed off. She represents the audience watching this film.

After the party, Jesse goes back to her rundown hotel where a bobcat has made his way into her room.

Now we are introduced to Hank, a sleazy asshole scumbag…. Oh, I should clarify. Not our Hank, this Hank is played by Keanu Reeves. Him and Skinny Pete from Breaking Bad shoo the beast away, but charge Jesse for the damages. It really doesn’t go anywhere, but to introduce Hank as this scumbag.

The only time his character becomes relevant is towards the end when he tries to rape Jesse, but moving on to the girl next door. This causes Jesse to listen in, and instead of calling the cops, she calls creepy Ruby.

But again, I’m getting a head of myself. There’s still so much more to tell you. Like the scene at the party of the girl swinging around in darkness for an endless amount of time. Or when Jesse gets picked to come out last at a runway show. I guess which is something of an honor. And the endless scenes of her kissing a mirror image of herself.

After that you get a complete character switch with her. Before she was this shy, kind of goofball. Then after her big moment on the runway, she becomes this incredibly unlikable raging bitch. Like everyone else in this movie.

So after Hank tries to rape her… sorry, I mean, Keanu Reeves, Jesse calls Ruby and she comes to stay with her at this mansion she is housesitting for someone.

Did I mention besides being a makeup artist for models, she’s also a makeup artist for dead people?

So Ruby tries to seduce Jesse, but after getting rejected, she decides to go finger bang a corpse. Then after that the film gives up. I mean, it was struggling before, but now it’s like everyone stopped caring.

For some reason Ruby and her model friends chase after Jesse, killing her. Then later we see them bathing in her blood. Then later it was mentioned they ate her. Even coughing up an eyeball.

Ruby on the other hand lays naked in the moonlight and pees on the floor. Like one does when faced with a full moon.

And that’s pretty much it. The rest is basically a music video.

Speaking of music, I hated the score in this. He was going for this synth Goblin film score like you’d hear in Suspiria, but done really really badly.

In the script their motivation was clear by the end. Ruby got close to Jesse because she was a virgin, and the other two models wanted an easier way to stay youthful. Also, the fact Ruby was into black magic was never mentioned, unless you count seeing her naked at the end, showing off her weirdo nipple tattoos.

There’s a fetish where you get off on seeing sunlight shine through clothes, barely making out the female form underneath. People with that fetish will have a field day with this film. You never really get nudity until the shower scene and the corpse rape scene. The most you get are Ruby’s braless shirts, where you can constantly make out her nipples.

I don’t really have much left to say about this movie, but to skip it. It’s terrible. Borderline unwatchable.

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