An excerpt from my script review for Kicking and Screaming (Untitled Soccer Script) which will be available 10/03/24:
2.) Plot Stability
The main thing we’re going to talk about here is streamlining your script and story.
Think “trimming the fat” in terms of plot.
We’ll also be keeping in mind the notion that “comedy is subjective” as we go, too.
There’s a lot of running gags or scenes in this earlier draft that just aren’t necessary.
For instance, we have this joke of the “two for flinching” between Phil and Buck that gets progressively angrier as the script goes on.
Simply put, it got real old, real quick.
One of the other things that caught my eye early on, was the previous coach for the Tigers, Coach Benson, is in this version of the story…until he isn’t.
We’re treated to a scene where he is there for Sam’s first day on the team, but he gets a call for a better job in a new city and chooses to just leave (even his own two boys) before the match starts.
Coach Benson doesn’t even coach!
In terms of “entering late, and leaving early” the final film did a much better job, presenting the same problem (the boys needing a parent to fill in as coach) without the unnecessary character of Coach Benson.
Actually it works out even funnier this way, in that the Tigers are so bad that Coach Benson had a nervous breakdown in the film.
(Production just saved money on an actor that presumably went to Will Ferrell!)
Another example of “fat” was a scene where Phil talks with his employees. In the script he does termite mitigation (pest control) and has this big speech with his employees about how they’ll have to pick up the slack now that he’s coaching, only to find out all but one of them only speaks Spanish, making his whole speech worthless.
This scene wasn’t funny, and ultimately pointless since we never see his business or employees again.
In the film, Phil sells vitamins, which Buck makes fun of him for, and maybe with the exception of a quick exterior shot, we don’t see any more of.
That’s good, since the plot is an inexperienced coach with daddy issues suddenly starts winning and goes overboard.
The last example, and one that really didn’t do Coach Ditka any favors, was when they go searching for new players.
Phil goes to a playground, in this creepy scene where he’s looking for 10 and 11 year olds “to play with”.
Ditka also just drives around town looking for players at places like…skate parks?
Not only does this bog down the story, but it makes Mike Ditka look like a buffoon and not a great coach with a plan.
The film streamlines this by having Ditka take Phil right to his butcher, where he knows they’ll find talent in the butcher’s two nephews from Italy.
This short scene accomplishes two things…moves the story forward and presents Mike Ditka as someone Phil will definitely learn from.
The moral of the story in this section is to tighten your script wherever possible.
Are there portions of your plot that really aren’t needed?
Do you have jokes in there that aren’t memorable to readers?
Are any characters in a single scene or two that you can cut completely and for the better?
These are the types of questions we need to ask ourselves as writers.
The tighter the story, the quicker the read, which leans towards being more enjoyable.
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