An excerpt from my script review for Jem and the Holograms which will be available 12/07/15:
4.) Dialogue and Description
Aside from the plot, this was probably THE MOST annoying issue I had with this script.
It was so fucking full of itself…
Page 6:
SHANA
…That’s at a crossover blend of eastern
patchwork and downtown denim – Calvin
Klein’s been trying to crack that
for years…
Of course he is.
Page 55:
What comes out is a song that ignites the air – a force of
nature on a nightclub stage. Katy Perry’s Roar comes close
but still can’t touch it.
Page 72:
The sound is just as raw, fun and spontaneous as the concert itself,
driving Jerrica straight into a song with energy to match –
think a weaponized version of Kanye West’s Power.
You know the difference between the script and these cultural icon references?
They actually ACHIEVED something. (And that’s coming from a guy who thinks Kanye’s an ass.)
Page 109:
GERMAN TEEN
Pink Moon, I don’t know if you’re
going to see this. But your music
is all that’s gotten me through the
past few weeks. You’re a diamond in
the —
Followed by all these other citizens of the world claiming Pink Moon’s (Jem) music is the Second Coming.
Sadly, that little fun fact is never warranted in the story. It just is because the author says it is.
I can sit here and say, “Hank writes the greatest script ever. Think (insert your beloved Tarantino script here), but better, like your brain explodes after reading just the first page.”
Me typing that doesn’t make it a reality, and by NOT backing up my claims I’ve just lost, if not pissed off, my reader/audience.
And then the STUPID jokes and one liners…
Page 14:
JERRICA
Well…how do I look? Be honest.
Her sisters all stare.
SHANA
Truly?
AJA
Truly truly?
KIMBER
(smiling)
Outrageous.
Page 53:
RIO
But for the record…I know sometimes
I come on a little strong.
JERRICA
A little strong? Football players
are a little strong. Olympic athletes –
they’re a little strong. You’re
like the Superman of bad first
impressions.
That gets a smile out of him.
RIO
Well then at least we can always
talk about secret identities together.
Puke.
Page 71:
SHANA
Someone better call the fashion police
’cause I just murdered these looks!
(Anytime Shana spoke, it was like an awful black female stereotype short of her snapping her fingers with a sassy look on her face.)
Page 100:
SHANA (CONT’D)
When do we get to be holograms?
My urges, when reading this script, bounced between wanting to puke or throw my tablet against the wall.
However…
Believe it or not, some of the description did have points worth mentioning based on tone or the images being conjured.
Page 9:
As Kimber springs to her feet, pacing excitedly, Jerrica
expertly moves chairs, lamps and stacks of records out of
her path. Watching over her little sister is a familiar yet
totally improvised ballet.
Page 35:
A vast and grand estate. The sort of place that’s home to
the one percent of the one percent.
Page 94:
The wind whips. They cling to one another. The pavement is
hundreds of feet below, a blank canvas waiting for a splash
of red where —
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