Happy Sunday one and all.

Today’s script is going to be a tricky one to review. It’s one of those stories that a lot of people are going to not like, but has a smaller group that will absolutely love it. (Jump to question #9 to see what I mean.)

BEAR CHICKA WOW-WOW: Deep Inside The Nites & Days of an Average Sexpot Danger Bear by Dosch Dgravenszein.

A retro exploitation/Alice in Wonderland-like journey of an everyday straight man finding his chicka chicka wow-wow in the offbeat world of gay bear beauty pageants.

Now for some reason, and apparently Roy knew but didn’t correct me, I read the title and really thought this was going to be about an Austin Powers type teddy bear.

It is not.

(I might have realized that before I read the script if I’d have read the logline a bit closer.)

Although the long title is funny, I’d simply drop it to “Bear Chicka Wow Wow” which got quite a few laughs when I told friends about the script I was reading.

Having said that, let’s begin. If you have little kiddies at home, cover their eyes. This script was for MATURE audiences only.

1.) Can we visualize the description?

Yes, but it starts out as too much initially.

First page:

AGAINST ANIMATION – OVERTURE

Jack Nitzsche’s MUSIC from Cruising is eerily heard on the
soundtrack as the opening disclaimer from that film emerges
from the darkness.

TITLE CARD: “This film is not intended as an indictment of
the homosexual world. It is set in one small segment of
that world which is not meant to be representative of the
whole.”

The soundtrack switches gears and THUMPS with the intro to
the BEAR BATTLE ANTHEM. It’s a rally cry that starts off
with a GODZILLA-LIKE RUMBLE that explodes into RHYTHMIC
STOMPING and HEAVY PERCUSSION.

The screen is flooded with an array of animated stars, polka dots, entwining plaid stripes and paw prints.

The commonplace GROWLS and “WOOFS!” of the bear community
join in. It’s not unlike something you would hear at a
stadium sporting event. The song climaxes with an
aggressive…

BEAR POP.(V.O.)
(rapidly)
Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
Woof!

TITLE CARD: “The Following Film is Based On Actual
Events. Viewer Discretion Is Advised.”

This whole sequence should be dropped. Then there’s character description.

Same page as above:

A night stand lamp, with a teddy bear hugging it, is turned on revealing JOSEPH MALONE, a man, in his early 40’s, of a certain stocky build. He sports a braided beard with razor sideburns, a nose ring, a fauxhawk and tattoo sleeves.

The only important facts about Joe that come up later in the story are that he’s somewhat pudgy and he has a nose ring. The rest we don’t need.

As I said it gets better though, (as I didn’t notice substantial problems the further I read), but go back and double check.

8 out of 10 points.

2.) Does the author use an acceptable format?

Yes, other than the first example above, but I’ll be covering that more under “hook” so I’ll leave it alone here. Was an extremely fast read, clocking in just over an hour for 114 pages.

There’s a lot of “we sees” or “we follow” too which was distracting and unnecessary. Taking off a point for that. (Use this one or twice tops.)

A word of caution though, there were a few scenes that were intended to be viewed split screen. It was done properly, but the scenes didn’t necessarily need to be side by side. It was almost as if the author was saying, “Hey, look what I can do!” That might turn off some readers.

9 out of 10 points.

3.) Is the dialogue free of exposition and rich in subtext? Does each character have a unique voice?

Wow.

I couldn’t wait to get here. Most of the dialogue was absolutely brilliant. Unfortunately it didn’t always make sense, or fit into the overall story, but I must say, I’ve never read dialogue like it before.

Page 2 (a long one, but I think it demonstrates the point):

JOE
What is that?

No answer. Joe pushes Jessica with a solid shove.

JOE
Hey, what is that?

Jessica MUMBLES.

JOE
Is that a cat?

Again a low MUMBLE from Jessica.

JOE
Do you have a cat?

A faint MEOW is heard.

JOE
Son of a bitch.

He shoves Jessica again.

JOE
Hey!

JESSICA
(with a thick foreign accent)
Yes. Yes, Joe. I have a fucking
cat.

JOE
You have a cat? What’s its name?

JESSICA
What?

JOE
Its name. The cat. You’re hiding a
cat from me you bitch!

JESSICA
Excuse me? What did you just call
me?

JOE
I want to know the cat’s name.

JESSICA
No.

JOE
Yes.

JESSICA
No!

Joe gets out of bed and starts putting on his clothes.

JOE
Then I’m going home.

JESSICA
You don’t need to know the cat’s
fucking name.

JOE
Where is it? Is it in the bathroom?

JESSICA
Maybe.

JOE
You’ve been hiding a cat in the
bathroom? For how long?

JESSICA
What do you want, Joe? You want a
blow job?

JOE
No, I don’t want a blow job.
Christ! I want to know the cat’s
goddamn name!

Again the cat MEOWS.

JOE
It is in the bathroom.

He heads to the bathroom and flings open the door.

JESSICA
Where the Hell do you get off? This
isn’t your house. I didn’t say you
could go in there!

Joe emerges from the bathroom with the cat.

At first glance this is about more than just a cat. Joe wants to have a relationship with Jessica, but she wants to keep his as a sex toy.

There are more good examples, but literally they are throughout the entire script. Read it.

Again, although most of it was good, even good dialogue isn’t always needed. Here’s one spot especially where the dialogue was witty, but the story didn’t go anywhere.

Page 27:

As it’s another long entry, so I’ll just explain it here. Joe just got done talking to his boss, Boris. Joe has problems at work.

We then get to see him talking to his manager, Gieger, who doesn’t exactly work appropriately with others, and we see again that Joe has problems at work.

It’s all too much. We know Joe has problems at work and that his coworker, Chuck, (who’s also his roommate) is crazy. That’s fine, now get out and move forward with the story.

Other than that first encounter with Gieger, she doesn’t show up again, other than to smack his ass in a later scene, which doesn’t add anything to the plot.

Lastly, there were a few musical numbers, and the lyrics just felt like fluff, going on for a page or more.

6 out of 10 points.

4.) Does the writer understand the challenges and rewards posed by the medium chosen in which to tell his/her story? Shorthand version of this is: Is it a movie and not a play?

I’d argue the story definitely might be a better fit for off-off-off-off-Broadway, but there’s no escaping the fact that this script is intended for the big screen. Especially with the wild and crazy scenes.

10 out of 10 points.

5.) Is there anything unique in what the writer presents? Are the writer’s ideas, based on this sample, likely to continue to be original?

Are we seriously asking this question? You know the old saying about a room full of monkeys eventually typing Shakespeare? Well even if those monkeys were on acid, and typed the rest of their lives they’d never come close to this.

DD is the only one for the job here.

10 out of 10 points.

6.) Does the script have a hook?

Okay, here’s where we start getting into the technical stuff.

I’ve mentioned before, get rid of the intro.

This doesn’t add anything to the actual story it’s just meant to look nice in our minds. Until you have the millions of dollars to shoot this script yourself, cut it out and take us right to Joe and Jessica.

I’ve basically showed you the first two pages above in dialogue, so the hook is there. I won’t try and lie, saying I wasn’t wondering what the big deal was about this cat, but again I should have gotten there sooner. (Two thirds of the first page was wasted on the into.)

8 out of 15 points.

7.) Is that hook effective?

After the cat scene, Joe then walks into a room where there’s a crazy sex party going on. Hello!

We’re there for the briefest of moments before Jessica storms out, and now Joe’s clinging to her truck wanting to have a real relationship with her, as she’s swerving around curbs.

After crashing into a pole, Jessica leaves her cell phone and truck, and tell Joe to handle it while she roller skates away (she’s a roller derby girl, btw).

Joe hoofs it back to Jessica’s where he then gets in another fight with her and knocks her out with a baseball bat.

After that he takes his peepee out, in a bizarre “boing” scene, while a nice family across the street calls the cops.

Joe’s thrown in jail, but Jessica doesn’t press charges so he’s free to go.

A note here. Although it’s all mostly interesting, Joe doesn’t get out of jail until page 20, which is too late. This is the closest thing I could find to your inciting incident, where not pressing charges proves to Joe that Jessica cares, so he should keep after her. As odd as their relationship might be.

DD needs to get to this sooner, and cut out some of the jail bits.

10 out of 15 points.

8.) Is there enough to maintain the hook? Reveals, conflict, etc.?

Another problem this script has is there are scenes that are so outlandish they’re funny, but they don’t all necessarily tie in together as an overall story. Filmed separately I’m sure they would make funny YouTube videos that go viral, but that doesn’t work for a film.

I gave one example on page 28, which doesn’t need to be in there, but another is on page 56.

INT. FEMALE LOCKER ROOM – NIGHT

FEMALE DERBY BROADS in various stages of undress suit up for an evening of hard hitting practice.

Jessica enters the locker room, emerging from a cloud of
steam. She scans the locker room sizing up her younger,
firmer teammates.

She adjusts her breasts with a snarl.

Do we need scenes like this? In the next scene Joe steals Jessica’s cat, but can’t the lights being off be enough to tell us she’s not home?

Page 81 – Bart falls to his death from the water tower he and Joe always sit on. This caught me totally off guard, wasn’t really funny, and I didn’t understand why Bart was mad at Joe all of a sudden being there were no earlier discussions about Joe doing the whole bear thing.

Page 41 – At this point I asked myself, “Is this a musical?” Musical numbers can be funny, but unless you’re writing an episode of Glee I’d argue you keep it to one, if you need any at all.

Page 72 – Joe spends the entire script saying he’s not gay, even though he likes Jessica taking him from behind. All of a sudden he’s now hooking up with Bearfly? I was confused by this both arriving there, and then afterward. Seems like he didn’t want it up until the beach scene beforehand, and after he never does it again but doesn’t seem too upset by it.

I mentioned a cloudy inciting incident in the script. A better fit would be to have Joe run and hide out in the bear club initially. This is where he truly enters a new world, and it should be bumped up earlier in the script.

The problem is you need to find a way to show Jessica “sort of” cares to make Joe want to keep after her, thus losing the jail bit, and getting us into the Bear bar.

Essentially you need to go back through your story and check each scene asking, “Is it funny AND does it advance my story?” If it only agrees with the first part of that question you need to either drop it or revise it so it shows Joe dealing with his newfound fame in the bear community while also struggling to make Jessica love him.

1 out of 10 points.

9.) Does the story play to a target audience, and have the elements demanded by that audience?

Initially I mentioned the target audience that will like this is small. It is.

Unfortunately, this script is also stereotypical, so unless DD is himself gay, there might be problems there.

A reason why most people won’t like it, summed up in a scene? (Seriously cover up your children’s eyes.)

Page 66:

Thunder quickly leans in, grabbing the thug by the nape of the neck and kisses him deeply.

BLUE BOLTS of electricity shoot from their bodies. The omega thugs are blown back by the force. They get up and charge back with great difficulty.

The thug struggles at first but gives in. His arms falling to his sides, the tension released from his fists.

The fellow thugs look on horrified and confused. They try to pull Thunder off their leader but with no luck.

The Cashier comes out and breaks out the water hose.

The ground cracks and a giant phallic monolith lifts Thunder and the thug off the ground.

Thunder slowly dips the thug.

The omega thugs claw at the growing rock as Joe stares up in amazement. Veiny neon lighting snakes around the rock.

The two men briefly pull back for air…the thug gasps…Thunder lunges back in to finish what he started.

The monolith erupts, like a volcano, and shoots fluid over the crowd.

Three other SHOPKEEPERS break out their water hoses and spray at Thunder and the thug. The whole things looks like a Busby Berkley number.

Slowly the monolith collapses back to the ground. The neon lighting shattering and exploding sparks.

The kiss ends.

Thunder grabs the thug by the crotch.

THUNDER
You’re wet. Slut.

He releases his grip, sniffs his hand, wipes it on the thugs shirt and lets out a roar.

The thug falls to his knees. His buddies come to his aid.

Thunder turns toward Joe.

THUNDER
Beware of the bear, Joe. Beware of
the bear.

The two proudly walk away.

That scene sums up a lot of the craziness in the script. Will people sit through it, I’m not sure. This was the a point in the script where I scratched my head thinking, “What the hell just happened?”

Will that small minority of people like it? Maybe, if this and the rest of the story ties together better.

Small things…

Name Dropping.

I’ve mentioned it in other scripts, but here it came off as too clever. For instance, Joe names his private part “Gerald McBoing Boing.” For those of you who don’t know, it’s an old cartoon where a boy can only speak in sound effects. (I had to google it.) Several characters reference “boing boing” after hearing “Gerald” and unless you know what that is it won’t make sense. And when you find out, you’ll understand it’s nothing more than an inside joke.

Another thing is all the song references. They don’t actually need to be in the story, so leave them out. If a reader has to look up a song while reading your script, that’s a problem because you’ve just taken them out of your story, and given them an excuse to use the internet.

And please folks, stop mentioning the names of TV shows and movies in your scripts. It’s just lame.

Bart’s house.

I thought Bart lived with Jessica, but then he’s in Joe’s house. Sure it’s with a plastic sheep, and kind of funny, but I thought DD had confused Bart with Chuck for a second.

Joe’s Job.

In the opening scene there’s a party for the film Joe shot, so I assumed he was some sort of B movie or porn director, then he goes to a day job. That needs clearing up.

Private Piercing.

Joe just got his peepee pierced, and then goes over to have some broad paint with it? Shouldn’t this hurt more?

Mr. Bear USA.

This scene added nothing to the plot, and I’d argue wasn’t even that funny. It had a bear room brawl, sure, but that was pretty much it.

No happy ending.

Fine if you want to end it this way, but once you develop that story with Jessica more, know that even the crowd that likes your story is going to be mad when the guy doesn’t get the girl. Especially the US market, we’re suckers for a happy ending. (I did like the cat ending up happy though.)

2 out of 10 points.

Conclusion

Crazy and outlandish, that’s all I can say. A good writing sample for the dialogue and some of the scenes, but can that overcome the “WTF” feeling one gets when reading it?

Total 64 out of 100 points.

9 COMMENTS

  1. This is one of the most original and entertaining screenplays on Amazon Studios. But what is it doing on AS? They will never touch it. Nor will any assistant pass it up to their boss for consideration. Dosch should just bear down and make it himself.

    And really it is very much the work of a writer-director. Although the story could benefit from some tightening, attempting to make this script palatable to a wider audience is not a good idea, if it is even possible.

    The opening scene appropriating from Cruising is a funny gag in context. The insertion of the wussy title card in that cringe-inducing movie marked a low point in Hollywood’s abysmal treatment of gay subject matter. Dosch also adds some psychotic subtext, because not only was that production a monstrosity, but composer Jack Nitzche, director William Friedkin, and star Al Pacino were all at the height of their own personal lunacies. Nevertheless, this production won’t have a prayer of licensing that stuff, so it’s a moot point.

    I knew nothing of this hallucinatory demimonde before I read the script, and I thought the writer did a good job of introducing it. It sort of degenerates into a series of set pieces, but that is common among comedies. I agree that the Jessica storyline is the heart of the script, and more attention should be given to it in each act.

    The best review of this over on AS is by Randall Hahn, who wrote, “Please, for the sake of your art, do not tone it down…but for the sake of your craft….tighten it up…I believe you have a great underground cult film here for the audience it is intended….” I feel weird turning to the Rev. Hahn for inspiration, but hey, it’s Sunday.

    Another thoughtful, respectful, and frankly suspicious review from Write to Reel.

    • “…and frankly suspicious review from Write to Reel.”

      LOL.

      And I don’t think DD should tone it down either, just realize that the market for people who are going like it is small.

    • (Wanted to jot down a quick reply to walker before formulating a proper response to WtR…BTW Thanks Hank – that wasn’t painful at all to read…I’ve been battening down the hatches for a week.)

      walker – Thank You for getting the Cruising opening. Now that it’s been removed from the DVD/Bluray and nearly impossible to find on the internet I thought it was possibly a completely lost pop cultural reference. It was meant to both serve the purpose that the original had (which I think is pretty damn funny) and be a “that was then, this is now” segue…or to take the Cruising tone “we are about to see a movie with creepy homos in it” and flip it to “lighten up, have fun and enjoy…you’re sexuality will still be intact when you leave this film”

  2. @ walker

    “I feel wierd turning to the Rev. Hahn for inspiration, but hey, it’s Sunday”…..Sir, you honor me….

    As I said in the review, this was not my kind of movie, but great day, the dialogue grabbed me by the collar and kept me going forward, and you are right about its “originality”, one of a kind….I emailed Mr. Dosch back and forth a bit on it and he informed me his intention was to produce it himself, or at least direct it..and that’s why it was written more as what the film will look like from a finished stand point….I think Mr. Dosch is a serious talent and would love to see what else he comes up with….Would not be one of my favorite movies, but definitely one of my favorite scripts…if that makes sense..

    • @Randall You’re correct on the dialogue, like I said, I was stunned with almost all of it.

      What Walker said is true too DD, you should direct it yourself, and if time/money is a constraint I’d think it’d be awesome just to see that first back and forth between Joe and Jessica. There’s power in dem words, sir.

  3. @ Randall: you also made an excellent point over on the AS forums about this website acting as a de facto screenwriting course.

    @ Dosch: You are a director, make this yourself. I looked at your AS profile, and references to Fassbinder, Antonioni, Altman, Hitchcock, and particularly Nicolas Roeg bode well for your art, if not your commercial success.

    When I was young I wrote a book about Vertigo. It remains unpublished. In the course of my research I interviewed Roeg in London.

  4. Howdy,

    I’m still fascinated that the stuff I think people will take issue with never gets called out (killing the dog, Chuck’s handicap, the prominent cat subplot) but other things are problematic. (the nude women’s locker room scene…didn’t see that coming…at all. lol) So I’m always glad to see what isn’t reading well. Sooooo…

    My intent was to filter my story through the film conventions and styles of sexploitation/eurotrash/60’s adult grindhouse and classic porn. (hence the use of “chicka wow-wow” “Deep Inside” “Sexpot” and the spelling of “Nites” in the title.) Tarantino has stated that “Kill Bill” and “From Dusk Til Dawn” are movie movies… the type of films that the characters in “Pulp Fiction” or “Reservoir Dogs” would watch. That’s the meta angle I’m aiming for. So the split screen stuff isn’t meant to be showy but essential to the tone of the flick plus the Overture and Entr’acte are classic roadshow traditions. I’m setting the stage that this isn’t going to be an everyday throwaway comedy. This film is an event. ya may not like it…but you sure ain’t gonna forget it. (Everytime you expressed a WTF? in the review, I knew I had a touchdown.) Plus the Overture sets up that the film is a partial musical. Some of the earlier scenes are meant to be choreographed so when the the bears break out into song it isn’t as jarring as it reads, there is some foreshadowing that the film is going in that direction. On other sites I’ve described the film as having scenes that are send-ups of “Glee” and “Dancing With The Stars”. So you were on track with your “Glee” reference.

    I agree that that most of the workplace subplot can be axed but it was meant to reinforce themes and social mindsets. (visually I want to establish the grouping of people and how we pass through these groups without noticing them. (it still surprises me who many people don’t know what “bears” are) So when Joe accidentally intersects with the bears it shifts his perspective. For the first part of the script. Joe is a single/groupless entity that is made to feel isolated for not conforming. (the tattoos and haircut are a social distancing device) He discovers a group… finds who he is…and moves on realizing he’s cool with not conforming to others concepts of how he should be. The bears force him to evaluate his life choices instead of hiding behind his punk-ish facade.

    It’s interesting that most people are happy the cat ditches Joe and Jessica for what it feels is a better life….but think the script has an unhappy ending because Joe and Jessica don’t end up together. Only humans repeat negative behavior in hopes that something positive will happen. It’s a happy ending because Joe is moving on to find his own windowsill to curl up on. Hence the “Unwritten” reference….I am unwritten/can’t read my mind/I’m undefined/I’m just beginning/pen in my hand/ending unplanned

    Music numbers: I only wrote out the lyrics for numbers in which I changed the words or structure. Otherwise if I was sticking to the original I just mentioned the title (Toby Keith “I Love This Bar”….I love this bear.) I agree it’s awkward. Plays better on screen but is a lousy read. I don’t know how to fix that.

    The Sex party is there to pad out the first half with heterosexual debauchery (along with the sex club) to quell complaints that the gays are a bunch of hedonists while straights are monogamously aimed creatures. Also I wanted to give as much skin time to the ladies when I could (along with the locker room scene…which BTW is also there to deepen Jessica’s body image issues (like Joe) being that she was a former sex object.) It’s all to keep the homophobes distracted before things get really gay.

    Jail: also establishes Burl. Who presence cements Joe not falling back into the Jessica rut, not going back to the bear trap (sounds like another bear bar. lol) and choosing to move on with his life.

    Bart’s death is a mainstream film structure dig of the tired tradition of killing off the best friend “Goose” character. His character is meant to be out of the picture, on the sidelines, when Joe’s finds new friends. The script is playing around with the many shades of grey when it comes to male bonding. Bart should come off as a jilted ex…..when Joe jumps in the truck with Thunder, Bart is taken for granted and put on the friendship back burner)

    Joe’s Bearfly evening…..um, well…as someone who worked at an adult store for almost 6 years I can tell you there are a lot of straight identifying, ring wearing, multiple women banging, family men, frat boy, sports guy, beer swilling dudes that have one or two bearfly nights under their belts. (I won’t even get into the hetero-flexible straight guys that put out for their gay friends in a variation of the “friends with benefits scenario) Bearfly sparks Joe’s run back to Jessica to score some hetero guilt sex and to cement that Joe isn’t a repressed homosexual. Also I want to see how many dufuses go home and attempt sex with a popsicle.

    The kiss scene.. lol. so here’s the deal. I really toned down the gay angle and upped the gratuitous hetero sex scenes, up to that point, to calm the more nervous members of the audience. The kiss scene is meant to be the longest kiss scene on film….which means it needs to run about 3 1/2 minutes. It’s the moment that the film is saying. “O.K. folks if you really have a problem with the subject matter now is the time to leave cuz things are gonna get really uncomfortable for you from this point forward. Deal with it”….just like with what Thunder is doing to the homophobe on screen. I’ve spent years trying to figure out how to fill up 3+ minutes of screen time with that kiss. It’s a either you’re on board or you’re not moment.

    Here’s something to wrap your brain around. I googled my trailer (long version) to see who was watching it. Some of the sites it was embedded on were a Russian, German and Italian comedy website. Being sold as a ring tone on a Spanish site. Was given 5 stars on a Pakistani entertainment website. (listed under Warner Brother films along with Dark Knight and Inception) Was on a body building website AND a “TeenUSA” website under comedy. I don’t think this thing is as alienating as everyone thinks it is. Its really just an R-rated, male arrested development, fish-out-of-water, gross out comedy.

    Final 5 points…

    Bart at Joe’s house. He had an opportunity to fuck around in an empty house and was too lazy to go home afterwards (plus there’s some of that repressed bro love, we find out about later, with the scrapbook)

    Joe’s daytime job. I haven’t crossed over to being a full time filmmaker…why should Joe be that lucky?

    Private piercing care. Yes, it does hurt….and bleeds when mishandled. Also attaching a dog leash to it less than a week after getting it and going to a Halloween party wearing crotchless jeans and rollerblades and asking drunk people to pull you around the streets is a very…very…bad idea. Joe got off easy getting smacked into a canvas.

    I’ve always been annoyed by how everyone in Tarantino films have the same obscure pop cultural reference points. They all sound like Quentin himself. I tried to make sure my pop cultural references were character specific. (The artist giving a shout out to “Fear of Flying” sums up a lot about the type of person she is. I know it’s an outdated point. But any current pop point will be just as lost to future generations. I’m lost on the “Dawson Creek” jokes on “Watch Out For The B—- In Apt. 23” but they’re still funny in their delivery. So I sort of defend name dropping if it defines a character (unlike say the Genie doing the Arsenio “Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!” in “Aladdin”) I guess my attitude is that if the viewer doesn’t get it and they really are bothered they can look it up on wiki later. Otherwise, unless you need to get it to follow the story, it’s not a problem. It’s just a joke that isn’t funny to them.

    And….

    Okay, this is my big concern. The Bear Universe Pageant is the whole driving force behind the story. It’s the thing Joe thinks he needs to win to find happiness. When he’s rejected. It’s his rock bottom. It’s when he gains clarity, finds self worth and takes on the world (so to speak) It’s his turning point. I mean that’s something that will be made clear when filmed and edited but is it lost in the reading?

    Anyway, thanks again. It was good feedback. I see some things that need to be made clearer…and it’s not the things I thought.

    Oh, one more thing….Do I need to state in the title (or the title page) that it’s a musical? I was already told by one producer that I needed to pitch it to a Baz Luhrmann type producer. (Like I have those connections) It’s a film with dance numbers and singing like in the early sound motion pictures…I think calling it a full blown musical is misleading.

    • Dosch,

      (Still like calling you DD better.)

      All the points you made above were valid. Now comes the hard part. You need to figure out a way to work all the above into your script so a reader gets most of it the first time, WITHOUT needing to spell it all out like this.

      Some of it can only really be appreciated on the screen, so work on the larger plot points you’re hoping to make, Bart being taken for granted, the looming opportunity of the Bear Universe Pageant, etc.

      I agree we’d be surprised by the types of people who like it, but understand that you’re going to have to find the absolutely perfect person to read it and make it (if you don’t do bits of it yourself).

      As far as calling it a musical, I think you’re going to have to ALL IN or take out the musical bits. It’s either a musical or it isn’t. Going middle of the road is just going to confuse someone, and if you list it as a musical beforehand (whether you change everything or not) know that might result in a “pass” before even being read.

      Thems the breaks for us new guys. Is it fair? No. But is life?

  5. @walker

    Damn, I have questions for Roeg about his career. Mostly about Petulia and Performance. Petulia (along with Five Easy Pieces, Private Benjamin and the book version of Breakfast at Tiffinys) was the influence for my ending.

    Thanks to both walker and Randall for the encouragement…and obviously you too, Hank. (BTW “Kilpatrick” was based on the 90’s pornstar Hank Hightower)

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