An excerpt from my script review for Aloha which will be available 06/29/15:
4.) Dialogue and Description
This description set an excellent tone.
There were a bunch of comparisons throughout, but the overall sense was fun and playful.
Page 4 – Describing static in such a way, that you actually hear it.
Page 12 – Introducing Ng, her salute “slices the air.” Much better than simply saying “crisp salute.”
Page 12 – Hickam Base described as a “vacation getaway” but really “Casablanca” level of deceitful politics and shady deals.
Page 16 – Introducing Finkley and Bixler, “salesman for the military industrial complex. Think used car salesmen, and you’d be close.” (Great intros, just too bad the characters were pretty useless.)
And a TON of other examples. I really apologize I couldn’t copy and paste, based on this being a scan, but if you’re looking for examples of interesting writing tones, you should check this script out.
Unfortunately, the dialogue didn’t do much for me.
There was a lot of subtext, but it led to more misunderstandings in an already confusing script.
On top of that it tried too hard for an existential vibe, but all I could think of was…
Only less funny.
Want more helpful screenwriting tips and movie/script reviews? Follow this link to our Discussion Forum.
And be sure to check out our Notes Service, where I give my detailed thoughts and suggestions on your script.
