Aloha – Welcome to Good Description

Aloha-Script-AnalysisAn excerpt from my script review for Aloha which will be available 06/29/15:

4.) Dialogue and Description

This description set an excellent tone.

There were a bunch of comparisons throughout, but the overall sense was fun and playful.

Page 4 – Describing static in such a way, that you actually hear it.

Page 12 – Introducing Ng, her salute “slices the air.” Much better than simply saying “crisp salute.”

Page 12 – Hickam Base described as a “vacation getaway” but really “Casablanca” level of deceitful politics and shady deals.

Page 16 – Introducing Finkley and Bixler, “salesman for the military industrial complex. Think used car salesmen, and you’d be close.” (Great intros, just too bad the characters were pretty useless.)

And a TON of other examples. I really apologize I couldn’t copy and paste, based on this being a scan, but if you’re looking for examples of interesting writing tones, you should check this script out.

Unfortunately, the dialogue didn’t do much for me.

There was a lot of subtext, but it led to more misunderstandings in an already confusing script.

On top of that it tried too hard for an existential vibe, but all I could think of was…

Only less funny.

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