An excerpt from my script review for Reptile which will be available 10/02/23:
4.) Dialogue and Description
The dialogue was actually pretty good.
First, we’re given this weird call to Summer, a Real Estate agent struggling to make a sale in a down market.
Page 4:
SUMMER
(into phone)
Okay, great.
WOMAN WITH ACCENT (ON PHONE)
We’re in a rush. Coming tomorrow on
the ferry. Two days we have to look
at places.
SUMMER
(into phone)
I’m just curious, how did you hear
about me?
WOMAN WITH ACCENT (ON PHONE)
We found you online. We like your
name.
An awkward moment.
WOMAN WITH ACCENT (ON PHONE) (CONT’D)
We have to go now.
SUMMER
(into phone)
And is this the best number to
reach you at?
WOMAN WITH ACCENT (ON PHONE)
Yes.
Not really how a call should go when folks are looking to buy a home.
There’s an exchange later that is even weirder, and unfortunately Summer hears the “warning bells” too late.
What really worked for me though was Nichols, and his subtext.
Not only does he keep things short, he’s not uncomfortable with silence when investigating.
NICHOLS
I understand…
A moment.
NICHOLS (CONT’D)
Did your brother and Summer fight a
lot? Did he get angry?
Renee knows immediately where the detective is going.
RENEE
I saw Sam last night. And it broke
my heart because…he doesn’t even
get to deal with what’s happened
because he’s so convinced you guys
are gonna pin it on him.
NICHOLS
That’s not what’s going on here.
Renee is crying. She stands up.
NICHOLS (CONT’D)
I’m here to do my job. I’m not here
to hurt your brother.
RENEE
You say that now.
Nichols hesitates. Then gently eases the tone by handing her
his business card.
NICHOLS
Call me anytime.
Interesting way to end a conversation after telegraphing Renee’s brother, Sam, is the main suspect.
Or is he?
Page 48:
NICHOLS
I wanted to ask you a few questions
if that’s alright.
SAM
No problem.
Nichols opens his notebook.
SAM (CONT’D)
I was in Yarmouth with my
girlfriend all weekend. She’ll tell
you the same.
Nichols ears perk up.
NICHOLS
What was that?
SAM
I said I was in Yarmouth with my
girlfriend.
Nichols jots it down, feigning indifference around a person
offering an alibi he didn’t ask for.
NICHOLS
Okay. Good. You grew up here,
correct?
Sam nods.
For this script, generally when there’s white space things move along well.
If you’re going to stray into the “110+ page” arena you better make sure your script has more “white space” than not.
Dialogue moves the story forward, and with this script it only occasionally gave us the “as you know…” exposition.
That’s not the part you necessarily want to emulate, via radio/TV broadcasts, but by having your characters interact like the examples given above.
The one thing Nichols presents well is that he thinks it’s more than just a jealous ex-lover that killed Summer, but holds his cards close, so we’re left guessing who HE thought did it.
The description was fine.
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