The Captain takes a look at Zootopia. Will you share his thoughts?

Zootopia is a fetishist film for furries.

Please direct all hate mail to Hank.

I guess technically any film featuring cute talking animals could be considered a fetish for furries. But Zootopia really plays for that crowd and many other kinks. Why else have buff half nude dancing tigers or even a nudist colony scene if not to arouse the furry deep inside all of us.

Not gonna lie though. Many times I did say to myself, that’s one sexy bunny.

It also plays to the macrophilia crowd and in some ways the crush fetishists. Which is where women crush insects and even animals to death with their bare feet. Yup, that’s a thing. Macro being into really tiny things. Which this film features plenty of.

All of this might actually be happenstance, purely speculation on my part. You look deeply enough at something and you’ll find stuff that isn’t really there. All I know is that somewhere someone was masturbating profusely to this film.

It might even be you!

Unlike just about everyone in the world, I didn’t really care for this film.

Again, all hate mail please send directly to Hank.

I do think the film looks beautiful, they really spent time creating a believable world for these animals to live in. None of that is an issue for me. What is, is the fact I didn’t find this at all funny. And for a kids film made for kids (and furries) there should be some laughs. Or at least a few chuckles, right?

Nothing. Dead silence.

There were a few moments that did get what you might consider a “chuckle” or what you humans call a “laugh”.

Scenes include – when the hounds start howling in kind of a domino effect. And of course the scene that is in the trailer with the slow as hell sloth that works at the DMV. Those were the only two that registered with me.

This film didn’t really have any jokes. I’m not saying it has to be Ice Age or something. It doesn’t have to be filled with idiotic fart and poop gags, but some jokes would be nice. At least for the kids that have to watch this. Do it for their benefit.

But that’s the thing.

I don’t think was really made for kids. If I had to compare this to anything, it would be Who Framed Roger Rabbit. At least in tone.

Zootopia is 48 Hours if it were played by animals. Maybe what threw me off was just that. I wasn’t expecting an adult buddy cop movie with cute bunnies.

And you might be asking yourself, what is wrong with that? Nothing! Nothing is wrong with that. I want more adult geared animation to come out. Again, not everything has to be like Ice Age or the Madagascar films. Thank god.

Now the biggest issue I had with the film. The predictable plot. As soon as a character shows up in the film, I knew instantly what was going to happen throughout the rest of the movie.

So the predictable plot.

Hopps wants to be a cop in Zootopia, a type of New York LA hybrid city where all different types of animals live in harmony. Maybe not harmony, seeing as the city still needs a police force, but you’ve got predator animals living beside non predator animals. And that is the basis of the overall arcing plot.

Unfortunately, bunnies don’t become cops. They’re cute and tiny, they stick mostly to farming carrots.

So Hopps wanting to be a city cop is breaking barriers.

Anyone remember Feds? The first half of Zootopia reminded me a lot of that film. Two females wanting to join the FBI, them having to prove themselves in this boys club… Great film. Everyone check out Feds!

Anyway, back to hating on a film everyone loves.

Hopps graduates the police academy with top honors and is assigned to a precinct in Zootopia. But instantly she is looked down on and disregarded as just a cute bunny. Everyone in the precinct is working a missing person’s case. But Hopps is tossed on parking ticket duty.

Hopps is also kind of racist against foxes. When she was a kid… what do you call baby rabbits? Just bunnies? Whatever, a fox bullies her and scratched her face as a kid, ever since she’s been kind of wary of foxes.

That brings us to Jason Bateman’s character Nick Wilde. A sly fox that I guess borders on the line of criminal and grifter. His main scheme seems to be buy giant elephant sized icecream. Melting oversized icecream, and reselling the icecream to lemmings.

Wanting to prove herself, Hopps makes a promise to find one of the missing animals.

She recruits the sly fox Nick Wilde to help her. Well, the missing suspect leads her to him and later recruits Wilde to help her search for clues to find out what happened. And of course she only has 48 hours to figure it out or she’s fired.

This film also shares some comparisons to Cats & Dogs. Think about it. Now this spoils not only Zootopia but also Cats & Dogs, so you’ve been warned. I know how much you’ve been looking forward to finally seeing Cats & Dogs, so I don’t want to ruin anything for you.

Cats are kidnapping dogs, making them allergic to humans, so cats can be the dominate house pet. In Zootopia, predator animals are being drugged so their killer animal instincts kick back in, making non predator animals the now dominate… um house pet. Predator animals run everything. The mayor is a lion and just about every animal on the police force is a male meat eating predator.

So kind of like Cats & Dogs, right? Maybe I’m stretching like I did with the crush fetish.

Hopps and the fox team up to solve this crime. They follow the clues to a facility run by the lion mayor. He obviously wasn’t at fault here, just keeping the fact animals have been going feral under wraps.

Now the city folk are losing their shit. Predator animals and only predator animals are attacking people… um animals. So instantly it becomes a Trump klan rally. Everyone fearing predator animals.

And like I predicted since introducing this character, the sheep secretary to the mayor lion is the one behind everything.

It was just so by the book. Beat for beat you can guess what will happen. Even around the third act like clockwork, Hopps and Wilde get in a fight and split up, but eventually get back together to save the day. It’s all just “…and this will happen”. And it does.

How about some interspecies romance, some fox on bunny lovin’! I mean, she does say she loves him at the end. They already tackled race and weird fetishes. How about interspecies romances?

This was a film I was really looking forward to and was completely disappointed by. It looked beautiful and dealt with more adult issues you normally wouldn’t get out of something designed to keep kids occupied for 90 minutes. But I just wish it had a bit more humor and a less generic, predictable plot.

Want more helpful screenwriting tips and movie/script reviews? Follow this link to our Discussion Forum.

And be sure to check out our Notes Service, where I give my detailed thoughts and suggestions on your script.