While I was on vacation, trying to find my own Crystal Lake, two of your favorite reviewers both watched the same film, JASON X.
With The Captain being a horror fan, and 3way hating cheesy, will they come to terms on the 10th installment of the Friday the 13th franchise?
Jason X – 3way’s Take
(And check out The Captain’s Jason X – Review Pt 1 after.)
OK. This movie still sucked – mostly. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it. I am big fan of the Friday The 13th franchise overall – at least through Part 9 (which has its own issues but is not the subject of this review so I shall move on). I’ve spoken with multiple people besides Captain PeachFuzz, and I was almost universally told that it gets a bad rap.
Well, it gets a bad rap because it’s a bad movie, even for a Friday The 13th film. And that’s saying something. I mean…are any of them actually “good?” Probably not. But some are damn sure fun. I confess to loving 3, 4 & 6. And the others have their degree of “this shit is cool.” I mean, the first one is really pretty lame. But fun. And Kevin Bacon! The second one is a reasonably good time as far as these movies go. But they really found their stride with Part 3 (and fuck that 3D shit). It’s just a great slasher film. Part 4….fun. Alright, we all know 5 is kinda weird…but it’s still good enough to watch on HBO. Part 6 is a blast, 7 is more fun than it gets credit for and 8 is unfairly maligned – it has some interesting things going on. Part 9? Well, sure, it’s batshit crazy but it’s still a reasonably good time.
And now we come to Part 10 – Jason X.
So the opening credits and visuals are cool. That’s a plus. Yay! Henry Manfredini composed the score. OK. Nothing bad so far.
Oh wait. Then the movie starts.
Alright, let’s have a shrimp of a guy throw a fucking blanket on the head of the biggest serial killer to ever live. Sure this will work out. Wait…it did not work out.
Also, why would they keep his mask on? If they are keeping him in some type of stasis, there is no logical reason to keep the mask on unless…wait for it…it’s because…MOVIE!!!!
OK then Jason fucks up a bunch of people. And the people trying to stop him have to open the heaviest doors known to man. Doors are really heavy in horror movies. They should work on that.
So then we have the scientist/hero blast Jason into the cryogenic pod with a shotgun. I’m fairly certain I saw a version of this scene done better in a movie directed by James Cameron.
So now we cut to 445 years later, and a bunch of disposable characters enter the facility on a now mostly-abandoned Earth (good to see in the future they still have the required stoner member of the group). They find the chamber. Cool! Let’s open it up despite knowing nothing about it. I understand these movies are built on bad decisions, but c’mon man! Oh. But wait! I now see they left Jason’s mask on so a joke could be made about it being a 20th Century carbon-filtration unit. I should have seen this coming. I am so short-sighted.
So before long Jason’s arm falls down with his machete and cuts off the arm of stoner-kid. Serves him right. Drugs are bad.
So the group finds the scientist – Rowan – who got trapped in the chamber with Jason, and they are both brought up on to the ship.
Gosh. The dialogue is so bad I’m having trouble picking out something specific. But we do shortly get a sex scene with some serious nipple-pinching. We need more of those. Unless it’s in those 50-shades flicks, which I’ve missed. Or, to be honest, I’m waiting so I can watch all three back-to-back-to-back.
Naturally, Jason comes back to life fairly soon once they hit the ship, and he then proceeds to really fuck up the hot blonde scientist but freezing and smashing her face to no-longer-pretty bits. She deserved it, though. She seemed unnaturally aroused when she pulled out one of Jason’s eyeballs. For once, I can’t really blame Jason. No overreaction here at all. Seriously.
I never noticed it before but there are certainly parallels to Aliens with the make-up of the crew. Add that to the shotgun scene and I guess the filmmakers were inspired by some much, much better movies.
So then we have a scene in a Virtual Reality room, and the stoner does not seem to recognize the very guy who cut his arm off earlier. Sure.
SIDE NOTE: As this movie dragged on, one thing seemed quite apparent – they do not have good security cameras in the future. Or any, perhaps.
So as the lamer version of the military team from Aliens begins hunting down Jason, one of them finally gets the jump on him. Awesome. Should probably keep an eye on this guy that is apparently not killable, you know – keep watch until more team member can get there. Ah, screw that. Better to turn you back on him, gloat that he’s dead, and then…well…do I even need to keep typing?
SIDE NOTE #2: 455 years from now, weapons do not seems to have improved much.
Is it just me, or does no one in this movie have any idea how the ship actually works? I mean, I think the kids in the earlier films, were they transported from camp to the ship, would have done a better job.
And why is Professor Lowe, the biggest asshole of the group, killed off-screen? WTF.
Man, I can’t even keep writing about this. And I have not even got to the nanobots resurrecting Jason, the android using every action cliché in the book to shoot at Jason (sure it was meant to be camp, but it was waaaay beyond). And the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad recreation of the famous sleeping bag kill scene.
Wow. This movie flat-out blows.
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