An excerpt from my script review for Hypnotic which will be available 05/22/23:
4.) Dialogue and Description
On the dialogue…
Desperado was a decent enough film, probably one of the earlier DVDs I purchased in college, but this joke…
Let’s just say the intro to it didn’t need to be repeated…twice.
(And I’m glad we didn’t have a cameo of Tarantino retelling the whole damn thing.)
Other than that, Diana’s initial talk about Lev being untouchable is creepy and cryptic.
Unfortunately in my notes I can’t find any of the exact lines, just an overall feeling which was good/
My word of caution here is to be watch using a technique like this.
We can’t keep writing characters being afraid of the villain without showing an escalation of why they should be afraid.
For instance, the bank robbery, biker, and Nix all being controlled are good examples, but after that? Things seem to slow down as it’s merely Diana doing the controlling.
The only folks that seem to be hunting them are now Division agents, who they both take care of relatively simply.
No onto the description.
One thing to be careful with in a spec script you’re trying to sell to a production company, is to avoid overly “artsy” visuals.
In this script we open uncomfortably close to an eyeball.
There’s really no reason for it other than…it looks cool I guess?
The same with Rourke stepping on a dry, dead cockroach later.
Is the carcass a representation of his former life, now dead?
Is he a husk of his former self and that’s why he stares at it so long?
Or is it just a cool and gross visual that fans of Rodriguez will like?
My guess is the latter, but I’m sure every film class, in every college, in every state can argue something different for it and the validity to why it should be shown.
The key here is Robert Rodriguez is writing and directing this, so as an established entity in terms of box office results, he can put whatever visuals he wants in his script.
You certainly can, but know that if you’re just including it because “it looks cool” a reader’s going to see through your amateur attempts.
The best bet is to write a compelling story in a compelling way.
The less gags and cheese the better.
(Now the eye thing could have been cool if it tied into the main story more, but other than people’s eyes not blinking, the hypnosis was more in the rhythm’s used to lull the senses.)
Lastly, there’s a bit around page 58, where Diana is explaining and showing the “blind spot” in our vision, and how our minds fill in the blanks.
My question…is that true?
In the scene, Rourke’s right eye “fills in the blanks” of an empty road, but when he looks with both eyes he almost hits a semi that wasn’t there.
I’m too chicken to try it myself.
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