trainwreck-movie-reviewThe Captain reviews Trainwreck!

Will Amy Schumer win him over?

Trainwreck

Besides horror and Arnold movies, I also grew up watching romantic comedies thanks to my mom. My favorite still being Don’t Tell Her It’s Me which was later renamed and edited to be The Boyfriend School.

I remember one summer just lying on the couch, having a marathon of Julia Roberts films. I’d never really got the appeal but then I started watching Pretty Woman and Notting Hill, got oddly attracted to her. It’s the power of Julia Roberts.

So before you start thinking, maybe this just isn’t your genre, you’re wrong. I love this genre. Hell, I just watched a film called The Escort that has pretty much the same damn plot as Trainwreck. But if Bill Hader was a hooker.

But first, Amy Schumer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZ6Sb-COT04

Amy Schumer isn’t funny. Okay, I’ll rephrase that. I personally don’t think she is very funny. I’m sure a bunch will disagree with me and that is fine. Comedy is subjective anyway.

I first saw Amy Schumer on Last Comic Standing, yes I used to watch Last Comic Standing. I’m still pretty shocked that series is on. I believe I stopped watching around the third season. Maybe that was when Amy Schumer showed up, I don’t know. But she wasn’t funny on there either. She then started popping up on the Comedy Central Celebrity Roasts. Where again, she wasn’t funny.

Maybe my problem with her is I don’t think she is all that original. She’s Sarah Silverman but blonde and less Jewish. And maybe tells less abortion jokes. But every joke is something I’ve heard Whitney Cummings say, plus I find her extremely attractive. Amy Schumer, not so much. Saying that seems sexist. I mean, no one talks about how hot Louis C.K. is or isn’t. Though the last season of Louie he got pretty fat. Also before I forget, I find her show to be pretty unfunny as well. I don’t know what it is with Comedy Central, it’s like after Chappelle’s Show ended they’ve done nothing but try to find a copycat replacement. And what better choice than a chubby blonde white girl!

Anyway. So you can say I’m not a fan.

But! when I heard Amy Schumer was starring in a Judd Apatow movie with her as the lead, I thought maybe this might be the time I’ll finally see the light and get what others find so appealing about her. But nope! I didn’t laugh once at anything she ever said. I laughed at what other people said and did, but nothing from her. Just Pixels silence, not a single laugh in the house. When non actors and comedians are funnier than your lead comedian, you got problems. Even LeBron James was funnier than Amy Schumer.

Bill Hader was great. John Cena was hilarious. Even Colin Quinn who I’m also not a fan of was funnier than her. Okay, I feel like I’m getting sidetracked on how unfunny Amy Schumer is and not talking about the actual movie.

This movie is good. Don’t get me wrong. But if I had to rate it with other Judd Apatow movies I wouldn’t even say this is better than Funny People. Hell, this might be less funny than This Is 40. At least that film had Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann’s boobs.

Trainwreck had John Cena boner covered by a towel.

Colin Quinn plays Amy Schumer’s father, who we first meet with him telling his young daughters how he wants to sleep with other people and that is why he is getting divorced from their mother. This of course screws up Amy Schumer’s character… hmm um Amy.

Yeah, she named her character Amy. Sometimes you find actors playing roles that also include their first names. Coincidence? Maybe. But usually they aren’t the ones who write the script. Amy did, so naming the character after herself seems weird to me. Is she trying to say this is her life? An endless train for guys to sleep with? Then why not make her character a comedian too? Only so she can meet Bill Hader’s character? She even uses some of her stand up in the movie. Like the whole scene at the bachelorette or baby shower or party I forget which. Maybe all three! But that scene where she is sitting with her sister’s friends telling dumb secrets like how they sneak icecream late at night, all of that is a story she tells in her stand up.

Back to the plot.

Amy is dating John Cena, who I guess is gay? I don’t know, his two funny scenes are the sex scene which Hank mentioned but the one that got a few more laughs out of me was the movie theater scene where Amy won’t shut up during a film starring Daniel Radcliffe as a dog walker. The couple behind them gets annoyed and for some reason yell at John Cena for it. The funny coming from the fact all of Cena’s comebacks are usually gay sex related. I will lick your asshole! Stuff like that.

Of course she is sleeping with people behind his back because… daddy issues? I don’t know. He finds out and he is gone from the picture after that.

Amy works at a magazine called Snuff? Really? Is that the joke? Wait, what’s the joke? Anyway, her boss is Tilda Swinton. Which I’m almost positive is using a fake British accent. Even though she’s British. So she’s a horrible person. No reason for it just so she can be the problem that gets between her and Bill Hader.

So Bill Hader! Amy is tasked to interview him for an article about his new method of knee surgery to help basketball players recover faster… yeah, I lost interest about half way writing that. But that’s the point I guess. He’s this kind of boring doctor that falls in love too easily. Saying the last girl he dated said he looked like Dexter.

Amy meets him and for some reason falls for him? I don’t really buy that. I mean, she gets him drunk and has sex with him like she has done with a million other guys. I’m not sure why he is any different. I guess because he’s a bit more put together than the others… again, I don’t know. Because movie!

Isn’t his type the kind she’s programmed to run away from?

Oh! Side story 1, Colin Quinn is in a nursing home because of… MS? Was it Parkinson’s? I can’t remember now. He’s an unlikeable bastard regardless. Though he did deliver the most memorable line when he’s arguing with an old guy about how great Babe Ruth was. Sure, it’s easy to be great when you never played against a black guy. That was funny. And maybe a little true.

Side story 2, Amy’s younger sister played by the lovely Brie Larson has a boring family life. A bland husband and a step son that is way too clingy and calls her mommy. Which I guess is weird, right? We don’t know how long they’ve been a family, so that whole joke kind of fell flat. But she is the one paying for their dad’s nursing home. She no longer wants to fork over the high fee and wants to move him to a cheaper place.

I’m not really sure where to go with the plot from here. If you’ve seen Knocked Up, it’s basically the same damn story. Only this time Amy Schumer is Seth Rogen.

Bill Hader is being given an award for his technique and it’s kind of a big deal for him. Amy gets a call from her evil boss and has to leave during his speech. This starts a fight between the two and they break up.

She then learns to grow up a bit and tosses out her bongs.

It then ends kind of abruptly. She gets the Nicks cheerleaders to trick Bill Hader into meeting Amy where she is dressed like a cheerleader and tries to win him back through cheer! And then it just ends.

Maybe because there was stuff in the trailer that is not in the movie, but I kept thinking more was going to happen after that. I was like, okay, so when is this going to happen? Oh, it’s ending. There’s the credits. I guess it’s over then. Should I leave? Is there more? No? Okay, I’m leaving then. I just want to make sure there’s no more movie left.

So that was Trainwreck. It was entertaining. It had some funny moments. But it’s mostly a gender reversal of Knocked Up. I’d love to see Bill Hader be a bigger star. He was my favorite on SNL. The fact this did almost as good as AntMan is also pretty surprising.

I don’t know about anyone else but I’ve never attempted to write a romantic comedy. I guess for two reasons, one I think I’d get bored like 30 pages in and 2, unless you’re a comedian looking to showcase yourself, I don’t really see the point in writing something like this.

The only romantic films out nowadays are either based off a Nicholas Sparks terrible one note book or a one note John Green YA book. The genre is kind of dead in my opinion. Especially if that includes 50 Shades of Crap. Which is most likely going down as number one on my worst films of the year list.

As for a romantic comedy… can you think of one that has been any good this year? Aloha? What about in the last 2 years. Okay 5 years.

So I’m going to call it. Romantic movies even romantic comedies are dead. Long live Marvel!

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