The Servant by Elliott Maguire

[Elliott Maguire]

The Servant by Elliott Maguire

Logline - a serial killer who crucifies and burns alive his victims plagues a small Alaskan town, forcing a troubled young cop to team with his father to stop them, before he lets his own demons defeat him.

THE SERVANT draft one.pdf

[Hank]

Elliot,

Thanks so much to the upload, and welcome to the forums.

Feel free to jump in a conversation and/or swap reviews with another member.

[Elliott Maguire]

Thanks Hank, I will do, and look forward to the feedback, you guys seem really switched on in your reviews!

[Hank]

If "switched on" is a good thing, thank you.

[Jovan]

Just read your script and here are my thoughts:
The first acti drags just a little bit too long. There are couple of fillers so you should trim it down. After the murder the B stroy kicks in but it's 2-3 too long. Also as the two bodies are in 2 different states shoulnd't someone notify the FBI, by at least one of the cops. This was a major question. The snow chase was great. Devon catching Billy was the best scene you had. After that it gets messy. Lilly getting killed was too much to get the audience interested. Maybe gravely wounded. The end was a letdown. Frank and the others child molesters?! Devon should shoot his old man right on the spot, no talking. Devon didn't do much to solve anything and that's my major remark. More active, more smart. His character was too bland. The only scene where he showed character was the snow chase scene at midpoint. You need more things like that. Overall dialogue could be trimmed. But the way it is: It's a strong first draft.

[Elliott Maguire]

Thanks for the feedback Jovan. I've had a couple of reviews on Amazon Studios and they have brought up similar points, all of which I am taking into account for Draft 2. Cheers mate!

[Hank]

Good Job Elliot.

Review is here:

http://writetoreel.com/the-servant

[Elliott Maguire]

Just wanted to thank everyone for the feedback on The Servant. Its been overwhelmingly helpful and has spurred me on to the second draft, which I am now completely immersed in.

The advice I've received on here from Jovan and Hank especially are hopefully going to be evidently taken on board for draft two, so I will be uploading it here and on AS for you to hopefully take a look at.

Due to being well into the writing, I will not be reviewing any scripts until its finished. I just can't put my mind to anything else when I'm doing it, I try, I fail.

I will however be reading Super Friends and Peck as soon as I am finished, and any others anyone would like feedback on.

Thanks again for all the feedback guys, very much appreciated.